THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS

So two weeks ago now (what with the waste of time of that recap episode last week) Nellie was sent home and the girls are off to Phuket. They are in business class. What the fuck. Dakota is in business class and I am sitting here in my torn trackpants with a snotty nose and $10 to last me till Friday. This sucks. Life is clearly not fair. Anyway, I will put the pity party aside and focus on what I hope to be a dramatic Phuket episode! Do you remember how on ANTM a whole bunch of the models got detained for days because the authorities in whatever country they were sent to thought they were prostitutes? Would it be wrong to hope for the same thing here?

The first thing they have to do in Phuket is learn some kickboxing. Elza is a bit scared because she has never been so close to that much aggression before. Danielle, on the other hand, is mightily impressed with the demonstrator's' ability to beat the shit out of the punching bag.

Lara impresses Chris Sisarich with her anger "she has got a bit of mongrel in there!" and Lara says she would beat up Dakota if given half a chance. Chris gets a few jabs in there saying that Dakota needs to "tone up, firm up, she's carrying a bit of weight around the tummy".
Elza says she is happy she has learnt the ancient art of thai kickboxing so she can now "use them on bad people" (COUGH DAKOTA!).

They also get to see a blowfish or something. Danielle succinctly tells us "I like seeing that blowfish.Its kinda freaky how it just voms out water and it comes out all of these weird holes". I think that should be the dictionary definition of blowfish.



They go to "asian disneyland" (thanks Lara) and Dakota stalks around on her own because her presence is about as tasteful as the vomiting blowfish.

They go to dinner and SUDDENLY Sara appears from the night and works her magic as their new dinner guest demanding to know if there was to be an elimination right there at the dinner table at Black Ginger who would be the bottom two. Courteney chooses Lara and Dakota as does Michaela. Elza, in a fit of generosity and selflessness chooses herself and Dakota, Dakota just chooses Lara and Lara chooses Dakota. Oh Sara, you are the worst dinner companion ever. Way to manufacture some tension. Sara then promptly leaves, her work clearly done, after sowing the seeds of what can only turn into a GREAT evening.

THEN,COMPLETELY UNEXPECTEDLY I AM SURE Dakota launches into the best tirade against Lara: "I think you are the most self-centered bitch I have ever met and you have the fattest arse out of all of us and I seriously don't like you". She has a way with words, you can't deny that!

Danielle says that everyone hates Dakota and want her to go home. Everyone except the team at New Zealand's Next Top Model that is! Danielle is going to win this thing.

Dakota says "now the girls are trying to critique me...if you critique me I am going to take it to a dark place, and you don't wanna go to that dark place". I don't want to CRITIQUE her here but I don't think she knows what most words mean.

Anyway, they get to go on an elephant trek thing and of course Dakota and Lara are paired up together silently loathing each other on the back of the massive animal. Dakota doesn't like Lara because she was "born with a silver teaspoon in her mouth" which may be true but makes me think it is lucky that Dakota wasn't on last "cycle" since Christobelle was the definition of born to advantage. Speaking of Christobelle, what is she doing these days?

They get some more Sara mail and end up at some mall where Colin is doing this



Dakota says Colin is "cool and creepy and the same time". I agree with the second part of that statement only. Colin tells them they have to select five yards of material with which they will make some kind of thai inspired dress. Then suddenly Colin is all "NOW YOU GO TO THE RUNWAY IN YOUR DISGUSTING MESSY DRESSES! HAHAHAHAH". Danielle "was shitting" herself. Bless.

I am actually pretty impressed with their attempts! They actually look like clothing. If that had been me I probably would have settled for some kind of sarong/towel like wrap and called it a day. Maybe accessorised with some rubbish from the street to style it up a bit.


Back at the hotel Dakota and Danielle get into it culminating with Danielle telling Dakota to "shut the fuck up". Now SHE is a voice of the people.

They get some Sara mail and show up to their photo shoot. It is a swimwear shoot and involves an elephant. Elza bonds with the elephant and she really is some kind of earth child, she probably rescues flies from spider webs. Courteney is dressed up like a little girl, its kind of weird but they all love it, Michaela has a hot body but a vacant face according to the photographer, also the elephant takes a huge dump in the middle of her shoot. A poo wrangler has to scoop it up into two enormous bags. Dakota follows up the crapping elephant with a bizarre series of squatting shots and Chris Sisarich doesn't like it AT ALL.

Lara won the challenge with the thai inspired get up and so she gets an extra 20 frames for her shoot which they say is handy since she stunk up the first 50. Danielle does well with a tired and grumpy elephant.

PANEL TIME!
Danielle is up first:



They love it but I don't really get what all the fuss is about. It looks a bit awkward to me.

Lara:



They like this shot and I do too! But they think that since she did better in the 20 extra shots then this was bad. Seems a little lame to penalise her for doing well and earning more frames but whatever. Lara says that she was off her game because Dakota called her a fat arse and Sara is all wise and shit saying "Lara, the only person who can give your confidence a hit is yourself". THANKS SARA YOU ARE SO GREAT HOW YOU PURPOSEFULLY RUINED DINNER AND CREATED FRICTION TURNING TEENAGE GIRLS AGAINST EACH OTHER FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN RATINGS. YOU ARE BASICALLY GHANDI.

Elza:



They love her. She models "like someone who has been modelling for two years". Um, thanks?

Courteney:



They dig her.

Dakota:

Sara grills her about her "lard arse Lara" comments. Dakota is all weird and contrite. She is a big faker. They don't like her photo and I am thinking that the photographer would have preferred to shoot her with something other than a camera.



Michaela:



I like her photo the best. I think she looks so gorgeous here. Argh, jealous. Sara is now worried that Michaela is a one trick pony of hot bodies. There are worse things to be. Like HollY or Dakota.

After deliberation, the bottom two are:

Lara and Dakota

Lara: Blah blah stuff about only getting a good shot with the extra frames.
Dakota: blah blah she is a mean girl. Sara hasn't figured out who "the real Dakota is". Good luck with that one!

ELIMINATED IS...

LARA?!!? What the hell? This is just stupid! I am not a huge Lara fan, she has always just been one of the ones who I never really thought was that great (she was no EVA) but keeping Dakota over her? Sara, you egg.

Lara says she is going to go home and "work out like crazy, but still keep my curves". Great, so now she has developed a compleX. NICE ONE TOP MODEL, ANOTHER JOB WELL DONE.

But wait! Next week looks promising!
Dakota: "Oh I would love to go to starship hospital"
Danielle "I can send you there!"



NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!