Episode 11:Nivea infomercial featuring some top model footage

Warning: This is quite long. There was a LOT going on though so you will have to excuse me! If you only have 2 minutes before you have to run out of the door to go to zumba/samoa/the dairy/japan/your financial accounting lecture/sleep then I urge you to come back when you have time to digest a shitload of top model.

We open with some kind of outdoor tea-party demand session where Dakota is telling Courtenay not to spit in her tea. Danielle tells us that last week's elimination was a surprise to everyone because they all thought Dakota was a sure bet to be sent home. Danielle succinctly tells us that "When Sara read out Lara's name we were all like "what the FUCK!?". Once again, I say give Danielle her own blog/show/country. She tells it like it is!

Dakota is all "SHAME! I WASN'T THE LAST ONE TO GET ELIMINATED. OBVIOUSLY. IT WAS LARA, NOT ME". Dakota then throws the tea Courtnay made her in the sink and Michaela tells us that Dakota is very pretty but that's not the be all and end all- you have to have a personality too. Which Dakota definitely has although the jury is out on whether it is a good or bad one.

They get some Sara mail. It says "The rules are simple, keep it clean keep it beautiful". Dakota adds on her own ending "Keep it shaved". I admit, I giggled and spilled my hot cocoa. Dakota, as crazy as she is, can't be criticised for her lack of humour.

The girls are all organised on a bed in matching white tops and Dakota entertains the group by laying out her 5 year plan, which is to get a psychology degree. Danielle thinks this is hilarious

but everyone else is all "oh, okay cool".

What follows is a shameless plug for Nivea products featuring last "cycle's" winner Christobelle

and international model Ngahuia Williams. The girls are herded into a bathroom set where Christobelle dons a nivea headwrap and delivers a product placement filled tutorial on washing your face. It is exceedingly painful and doesn't even attempt to disguise itself as anything but a paid spot for Nivea and their range of totally necessary products guys!

We get a lot of extreme close-ups of nivea products and we learn just why Christobelle and Ngahuia think they are "really cool" (because they are getting paid to say so) and Christobelle shows us how to use damp wipes to take your make up off. Shockingly you wipe them on your face. It comes off. Its pretty self-explanatory. "Um you just wipe it off. Yeah"

We get to see Christobelle take off makeup



Take off mascara


Wash her face


Its all absolutely fascinating!

My sister has never seen an episode of Top Model and was unlucky enough to catch her first glimpse tonight. I received this text "Well I am glad that they know how to FUCKING WASH THEIR FACES god. Even if I was a 10 year old girl with skin problems and a strong desire to watch girls who are unable to enunciate I would still would not find this even mildly interesting...YOU WATCH THIS EVERY WEEK?!".

Yes. Every single week.

After the horrifically long paid Nivea advertisement we are treated to Danielle and Dakota explaining why they hate each other. Danielle thinks Dakota is trying to pick at everyone's weak spots to bring them down and Dakota thinks that Danielle, for the first time referred to as "Dani" "Is like stray dog who has been beaten and you don't know if its going to attack you or lick your hand"

This happens too



and this



Sara mail arrives and it says something about "giving as good as it gets". They all take guesses about what it could be and Dakota won't shut up about Starship hospital leading to Danielle saying "What is with you and Starship hospital?!" and Dakota grunting "I JUST WANT TO GO TO STARSHIP HOSPITAL!" and Danielle yelling "I CAN SEND YOU THERE!" with raised fist. Dakota doesn't like it but Michaela thinks its the best thing since sliced bread!



They go to some old building in downtown Auckland where Chris Sisarich and undercover "Mystery Judge" aka Ursula Hufnagel of Chic Model Management are waiting. They have an hour to create their own idea for a charity and a 15 second tv campaign. It is like a practice run I guess for the whole future "Easy, breezy beautiful, cover geeeeul" shoots later.

Danielle thinks the mystery judge is actually named "Mystery Judge" and that her parents must have been hippies. I hope this is a joke. Please let this be a joke.

Danielle's charity is "A place to call home" something about building eco homes? Her idea seems okay but her delivery of the 15 second ad is HORRIBLE. She delivers one line then screams "FUUUUUCK!" frightening Hufnagl.


Dakota's is "Beat the statistic" about helping Maori kids do well in school, she is pretty good at selling it to Hufnagl who thinks Dakota has "good energy". If Dakota made more of an effort to be charming Dakota all the time then there would probably be no stopping her. Sadly, for every impressive Dakota moment there is a "CHINA THE VAGINA" moment.She performs her script in a manic almost parody of a real charity ad. I think she is acutally quite cute in these bits but I know what is lurking beneath the surface.



Elza's charity is "Real Redheads Unite" about stopping bullying of redheads "I get a hard time, my mum gets a hard time, even my red-haired chicken gets a hard time". She is pretty natural, she could be the new Ruby. Michaela says that she thought at first that Elza's charity was a joke but now she sees that she is talking about how people "make fun of gingas".

Michaela's charity is "Heart for Africa" about helping child poverty in Africa and she too is flat, stilted and emotionless.

Courtenay's is "Save our future" about donating unwanted clothing to help stop child abuse and while the judges think she can memorise well, she has no personality whatsoever making her boring and flat.

Chris Sisarich comes across as really paternal during this charity session, I'm not sure if its because of all the felt tip pens and brainstorm charts but he is very appealing here. Maybe even more so than noted photographer Nigel Barker.

Anyway, the winner is declared Elza who gets to go to dinner with Dakota as a prize. Um. Okay? Then at dinner Christobelle shows up delivering dessert and an envelope from Nivea (a pact with the devil?) containing $500 in $20 notes.

If this is considered payment for that TERRIBLE Christobelle/Ngahuia Williams skin tutorial then Nivea must have the best marketing/financial team ever! Domination of a prime timeslot and a ready made audience of captive girls and women duped into watching a Nivea infomercial for potentially a mere $500? Maybe $1500 if we assume they also thew an envelope of cash at both Christobelle and Ngahuia. Genius marketing, if terribly annoying and vaguely insulting.

Elza, however, being far less cynical and bitter than I is extremely grateful and cries at the table because "It has made my lifetime! I would never expect something so great to happen to me!". She is like an innocent kitten.

Back in the kitchen in front of a giant fridge product placement of that water owned by Marc Ellis or whatever they get some Sara mail. It says something about a "blank canvas". Immediately Courtenay is all "I am not going naked with body paint" and Elza freaks out with "you will see my cellulite through the paint!".

They converge at "Eden Gardens" where they are told that yes, in fact they will be basically naked covered in horns, nipple stickers, plastic g-strings and body paint.



Remember Holly? Imagine if she were still around?! Just thought we needed a bit of a picture break. And to thank our lucky stars we were saved the pain of Holly naked with prostetics hating cupcakes/dishes/life

Elza feels nervous because she is "a bit wobblier than the other girls" and "doesn't like looking in the mirror". God, if Elza is wobbly then I should just stop trying right now. Honestly. If I looked like her I would be naked 24-7.

Danielle tries to inject some sanity into the situation by telling Elza that everyone is built differently and that the only thing big on her is her bottom lip and her big toe.

Without warning we get a shot of made up Michaela looking like a lost extra from Avatar versus Pans Labyrinth. It made me laugh for a good ten minutes.



Courtenay is up first and although she feels naked and exposed she does well, although I feel extremely uncomfortable watching the footage of what could be considered cartoon porn in some circles.

OH HI DANIELLE!



Danielle's up next does well because, as we remember from previous episodes, she relishes being naked.

Dakota is up next and Chris begs her not to "be a weird creature" and instead to be graceful and elegant which he concedes "runs against her personality type".

After Dakota makes lots of weird poses it is Michaela's turn. She is a bit freaked out about being naked but she gets very good shots, apparently and in the end she thinks it is her favourite photo shoot.

Without being a major creep it makes me feel, to quote FAN FAVOURITE Holly, "super bummed" seeing these basically naked girls with insanely good bodies and perky boobs. I want to go hide under a blanket and eat eclairs. No good.

Anyway, Elza is up next and although she has been freaking out in the dressing room thinking she is a fattie (which CLEARLY SHE IS NOT) she gets really good feedback and poses with odd little horns poking out of her head like a seasoned model who models weird horns naked regularly. Maybe even for two whole years more!

Back in the spa Dakota tells us that she thinks she deserves to win "because of all the crap God's put me through, he is like "here, have a bone". I really don't want to believe that God is busying himself with top model and hope he didn't have to sit through the Nivea tutorial earlier. Dakota also says she is aiming for being in the "top one". I think the regular people call that "winning" Dakota.

PANEL TIME!

Bad news everyone: Colin's horrible facial hair is back.



First up for judging is Courtenay
They watch her awkward commerical spot and it is pretty cringeworthy. Not that I could do better but then again I am not on NZNTM am I?
They love her photo though



Michaela is up next
They are bored to tears with her commerical spot and I feel pretty bad for her. Then Colin "Remorsefully-absent-of-late" Mathura-Jefferee asks Michaela what Africa needs. She tells him "water, food and education" and he says, displaying the usual empathy and tact that we have come to expect from him says "Afica needs straightening irons". UMMM....Way to take the issue seriously Mustachey.

ANYWAY moving on to Michaela's photo



All the regular judges swoon over it, Colin demands to be eaten alive by 16 year old Michaela and Hufnagl breaks up the party by saying that she's not that fond of the photo actually! SHAME REGULAR JUDGES!

Dakota is up next with her TERRIBLE, but highly entertaining "Beat the Statistic" ad. They think it sucks, obviously.
Her photo is not a hit either. Hufnagl gives her the thumbs down and they think she is just not really good enough- i.e they have used up all her comedic value and are ready to kick her to the curb.



Elza is up next and rapidly desolves into tears when asked to explain to Colin her charity idea. Apparently people in the past have called her "an ugly ginga twin" and this discussion trying to justify it to Colin and him rambling on about his strategy of then attacking the attacker's flaws just gets her more upset. Shut up please Colin?

Anyway, her photo



I think it is the best one and I think she has the most aesthically pleasing-in-a-non-objectifying-cos-I-am-against-that way body. Anyway, they say she has a great photo and great ad but her confidence issue makes them wonder about her being able to make it in the cutthroat world of fashion. I personally like that she in touch with her emotions. Better that than some souless husk stalking around trying to sell me gentle cleansing wash.

Danielle is up next

Her ad is an abject failure.
Her photo



Sara is worried that she is "extremely strong in some areas and extremely weak in others". She has a point.

ELIMINATION TIME:

First safe is:

Courtenay



Michaela



Danielle



FUCK! ELZA! NO! I have transfered all my Ruby/Eva love to her and I don't want to get hurt again!

The bottom two



Who's it gonna be Sara?



ELZA! (phew!) Sorry Dakota, the dream is over.

And I actually feel genuinely bad for her. She is devastated and self-aware enough to say "I am going to miss the girls the most. They were so nice to me when I was a dick to them". Now that she is leaving I kind of love her a bit. I guess you don't know what you've got till its gone right? right? RIGHT!?

She really is reality tv gold though. I hate it when the elminated girls are all "oh it was just my time to go. I am happy with my place. I get to go see my family" etc etc. Instead Dakota hides nothing, sobbing and explaining that she is "in so much pain" and howling that "I JUST WANTED TO BE NEW ZEALAND'S NEXT TOP MODEL". I think she wins the role of "most memorable" so that's something! I think she will probably get famous you guys. Like for real. If we had Big Brother she would be all over that.



I think she had to go but I still feel sorry for her. I am getting soft in my old age.

So we are left with four! Here is what the final would look like if I had my way.



I am thinking that Courtenay might be top two though. My heart says otherwise though! Elza all the way for me!