Friday, October 29, 2010

I eat some easymac. Someone is crowned "top model"

OKAY OKAY so I know you are pretty excited and SO AM I! Let's get down to this final episode of TOP MODEL and what could be our last chance to enjoy the sweet rumblings of Elza, the doleful eyes of Michaela and the punchy fists of Danielle.

HANG THE FUCK ON!??! WHAT IS THIS!?!?



What the hell?! This is the last thing I need and I. Oh wait I fixed it! Refresh really is an amazing tool.

Okay! Well now that I am past that frightening start I need to let you know that this review may be painfully detailed. My friend Erin just moved to the UK because she is living the dream and stuff and she is missing this last episode. She is a pretty regular fan of the show so this is bad news for her. I promised her, as we left our final outing featuring calamari and curly fries that I would detail the excruciating minutiae of this episode so this I will do. I keep my promises.

Wait first I am going to go make some easy mac. I know its midnight but easymac is timeless.

I might get a glass of thriftee too. That'd be good.

God that was a mission. My right wrist is incapable of holding or turning anything. I made 300 choctops tonight and now I think I have rendered myself disabled. I found some nuts which are meant to be in a salad or stirfry "nut fusion!:new!" and I am eating them too. And I couldn't find my special Gabs cup which I am to use because I have a very bad habit of drinking out of 10 or so glasses at once and losing them around the house. So now I have one very special glass which I bought which has pink hearts all over it. And anyway, I couldn't find it and then when I did I filled it up with thriftee and then promptly dropped a bottle of "rose pink" food colouring off the top shelf right into my special cup. OH MY EASY MAC IS READY! TIME TO ADD THE POWDER AND WAIT.

:( I couldn't stir the easymac! My wrist! It is truly useless right now! I had to get Toby to stir my easymac much like a small child. Its okay though, cos the easymac was YUM!

OKAY! So here we are at the beginning of what I hope to be a very exciting episode! Buckle down for a wild ride!

First we get a sweet rundown of just who is in the top 3.
Danielle: Judges favourite. They just love her and would marry her if they could.
Michaela: Overcame her "personal issues" (ie a tv show taking almost naked photos of a 16 year old)
Elza: "blossoming away from the shadow of her identical twin sister Nellie".

That is kinda harsh no? It makes Nellie out to be some horrific spectre standing in the way of Elza's beautiful life and career free from the shackles of her "womb-mate". Sara Tetro, I can see right through you and straight into your heart of darkness/Danielle favouritism/regret over Christobelle.

So we open with Michaela already in a state of despair mourning the loss of her "best friend" Courtenay. Maybe Michalea will come visit Courtenay in Wellington and I can sell them tickets and curse my miserable existence. We can only dream right?!

Elza is totally psyched to be in the top three and is happily surprised by her ability to exist without her "soulmate". "I can read maps without Nellie, I can pack bags without Nellie, I can go to the toilet without Nellie, haha just joking" which makes me think that she is joking that she can go to the toilet without Nellie. She must have a dangerously full bladder.

I love her though. She is babein. If I were a guy or into girls (and not just when I'm a bit tipsy and like to be making inappropriate advances on friends) I would be making a beeline to Elza. I would buy her a chicken and ask her to raise my red-headed babies.

Sara-mail! Time for a covergirl shoot! Danielle is freaking because she generally sucks at this speaking thing. The people from covergirl are there and they are told that they have to add a line of dialogue to their scripts which sets them apart. I wish Dakota was here! "Easy clean makeup keeps your face clean. Keep it clean, keep it shaved! lol!". Ah, bless.

Michaela is up first for her shoot



What does Colin et al think?



THEY LOVE IT!

It was "fantastic! Impressive! Flawless!". She is pretty good! PRETTY PRETTY GOOD!

And look how cute she is!



As a button.

She also nails the beauty shoot. She is looking pretty good! Didn't really know she had it in her! Maybe Courtenay was an oppressive Nellie shadow too!

Now it is Danielle's turn to wow everyone, and Michaela is a hard act to follow!
Predictably, Danielle stinks. Like real bad. She "didn't bother" to learn her lines. Don't worry guys, Sara probably thinks that's just awesome, shows character or bravery or something.

Anyway, Danielle crashes and burns



She is all "clean makeup..something something. Sensitive skin". No good Danielle, Cherie from Covergirl is not impressed by your attitude missy and frankly neither am I.

Colin and Danielle embrace tenderly in the corner and now Colin is saying that Danielle "crashed and burned" but I just said that myself of my own accord and now I feel like I should go change it to something else. But I am not going to compromise my integrity! Oh no. I just dropped some m&ms down my top. Oh bowh.



Shit gets serious.



Michaela is secretly pleased. Well, not so secretly, she tells us all about it.



Danielle plugs on through and tries to pull something salvagable out of her bag of disaster.



It is not entirely successful.

Colin makes this face



Tony Drayton, director of this fiasco "very much doubts we will be able to cut something together that will be acceptable to the client". Oh no. That aint good Danielle.

The photoshoot however goes well and Sara and Colin can heave a sigh of relief that their golden girl still has some gleam going on.

Anyway, it is Elza's turn to shine (or not) now and boy does she shine! She spins and twirls and is cute. She makes little "wooo!" noises and tugs at her collar.



She rocks out her her photo shoot and Colin is pleased that he has single handedly separated "those siamese twins".

Anyway, issues of accuracy aside it is time for panel to decide the top two!

The ususal suspects are all there and I wonder why Mr Chris Sisarich wasn't at the ad and photo shoot? Why was Colin there? Is this always the case? I have no idea.

Regardless, I have more pressing concerns



Time for the individual evaluations: Up first is Michaela

In her Covergirl shoot she is "fantastic!" Sara thinks she made an "extraordinary effort!". Guest Judge Denise Lestrange-Corbet thinks she looked "amazing". For her photoshoot they continue to love her and Sara thinks she appeals to a wide range of people (girls want to be here, boys want to be with her).



She is pretty smoking if we are being truthful here.

Up next to be evaluated is Elza. She says that her biggest achievement to date is being able to exist without Nellie. She says this "is a great thing". I still love her, despite what the Elza-haters think. I just love her to bits. I want to bring her breakfast in bed and surprise her with a kitten in a box on Christmas day.

Sara likes Elza's commerical but doesn't like her wink. She thinks Elza is too twee I think. Colin digs it though and I give Colin my approval from afar.

For her photoshoot opinion is somewhat divided.



Guest judge waxes lyrical about Elza's neck, Chris thinks its a beautiful shot but that she "doesn't have a beauty face" and Sara thinks she is the weakest of the bunch. I think Sara doesn't share my Elza affection. She saves all her lovin' for Danielle.

Speaking of Danielle let's find out how the judges can justify keeping her around after her commercial disaster.

The commerical they show is perhaps one of the most entertaining and surreal ads I have seen. The editors have obviously gone to great pains to cobble together something resembling a normal ad but have had to resort to some shots which are downright frightening





Would you buy makeup based on this? Well I probably would but then again I base most of my purchases on how threatened I feel by the one doing the selling. That's why you have to choose the most tough and on edge people you know to do things like charity collections and garage sales.

Sara moves on from this exercise in uncomfortableness to the beauty shot



It is quite beautiful and they love it. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike Danielle, in fact I think she's pretty awesome BUT I do think that she has been chosen as a finalist at least from early on and they have given her an easier run than she should have got. If they were harder on her earlier then maybe she wouldn't have just "not bothered" to learn her lines for such an important shoot. I'm all about tough love. Except I'm not actually. They clearly want her to do well and will overlook things in her that they would absolutely eliminate another girl for. And that ain't cool in my books.

Sara says that if they were basing the elimination on the Covergirl shoot then Danielle should go home. But they all say that maybe they aren't really basing it on that. Well what was the point of it then? I can see where this elimination is going and I do not like it one bit.

Michaela is the first to go through to the final. Good for her, she's pretty impressive! And the other finalist is...Danielle. She seems pretty shocked herself.



And that's okay too and she is beautiful and stuff BUT

I pain for Elza.

As good as I think Danielle is I think they are putting too much stock in "potential" and discounting other things. Like how adorable Elza is and how much I want to help her feed her chickens. Important things like that.

Elza departs in a flurry of "thank you"s and tears and I miss her already.

Now might be a good time for you to go have a break and stretch your legs because we still have the final walk off to go and the final decision! Are you paying attention Erin!?

The final two are back in Wellington and Danielle tells us her first thoughts on getting into the final were "shitballs! that's frigging awesome!". She isn't boring that's for sure!

Michaela and Danielle reminsice about their non-high-heel walking past and Michaela cries about her position in top two, Danielle hilariously says "its in the kete bro" and I kind of love her again, despite my annoyance at the judges. It's not her fault they are playing favourites is it? No, not really.

Oh hey, Mercedes from ANTM who had Lupus is on an ad with Jamie Lee Curtis hawking some kind of makeup shit. Its 3am. I wonder if this is what the future will hold for our second place winner. As much as I am fretting over who gets top place and who is second I can't let myself forget that Christobelle, who is otensively meant to be right now's TOP MODEL is really doing nothing much to speak of save for some truly horrendous Nivea commericials and guest starring on this cycles top model.



I truly hope whoever wins, be it Michaela or Danielle that they have infintely more success than any of last cycle's squad, of which Ruby is probably the queen.

That kind of takes the shine off of the anticipation and drama doesn't it? Um, pretend I never said anything...

Anyway, it is time for the finale walk off! And finally we can see that it IS at wearable arts! And I am amazingly excited to say that I was in the audience the night this all went down and was way too excited (my friends can attest to that). But I am SOOO gutted that I didn't recognise them! I remember seeing the Ringmaster costume but I don't remember seeing any of Danielle. I remember the one in the horse-like get-up being super hot but I don't remember Michaela....I am so confused!

Before the walk (or after if you are totally suspicious about this like I am) Sara tells us "Their performance tonight has got to be a factor in this competition, its not the only factor, we are looking for a top model not just a runway model" etc etc. Once again WHAT IS THE POINT IF YOU ARE GOING TO IGNORE THE RESULTS?

It was such an awesome show and I am pretty impressed that they actually walked in it because it was pretty choreographed and isn't the kind of thing you can just walk into randomly at a moment's notice and do. Well apparently it is the kind of thing Michaela can just do at a moment's notice, not so much Danielle.



HOT!



SORT OF NOT

You know what? I am a bit doubtful as to whether this actually took place on stage in front of people. I know you can see some heads but it is really dark and you probably couldn't tell if it was just a rehearsal. And no one who I have talked to who was there remembers seeing them and people who were doing make up backstage had no idea either. I wonder....

But look! You get to see one of my favourite bits of the show! Check out these dogs dressed as elephants! Elza would have loved this :(



Danielle kind of screws up and stands in Michaela's spot and looks awkward and uncomfortable on stage. Michaela is displeased and worried that Danielle's mistake will cost her the win. I worry too.

OH GODS! ITS TIME FOR SOME PANEL TIME!

Sara, Colin and Chris are waiting to propel one girl through to the giddy heights of Ford Fiestas, Hufnagel and being managed by Sara. Once again, given that we know that Christobelle is also managed by Sara I wonder if this is perhaps the best prize.

The general consensus is:

Danielle: books more jobs/has an edge/has transformed from into a beautiful, gorgeous swan/holds the key to the future "global face"/makes Sara, Chris and Colin wet themselves with glee
Michaela: better at runway/commercial/walking/was already a beautiful swan. That's not very exciting because Chris, Sara and Colin didn't get to mould her into her exciting new self, she came that way which is not so good for their egos.

And the winner is:

Danielle! Are you really surprised though?



Dakota is going to be SO MAD!

I don't really see how they can justify this though, and once again I like Danielle BUT when you look at this episode Michaela was great at commercial, great at runway and they liked her photo right? Danielle however was terrible at commercial, awkward and bad at runway but had a great photo. AND in the past they have said that Michaela is consistantly good so its not like she was just awesome in the last episode and sucked the rest of the time.

Which means really that whatever happened in this episode Danielle was already going to win. Sara says "she hasn't come as far". But should it really be about that? Shouldn't the end result be the basis of the decision? Where they are at not how far they have come?

And Michaela is pretty devastated.



She has spunk though and is all "All i can do is continue modeling and make my own money, and get my own ford fiesta" That's the ticket Michaela! I hope she becomes some kind of supermodel and rubs it in their faces.

And that's where we end this "cycle", Danielle wins and she's pretty cool and stuff and I know she has her huge fans and that my opinion here is probably not very popular but I think Michaela should have won. But anyway, Congratulations Danielle and I hope you prove me wrong! Go dominate tragic Christobelle and do something much better than Nivea commercials and hawking Ford Fiestas across the country.

Michaela, go forth and be gorgeous. You show them, okay! And maybe come visit Courtenay so I can spot you around town and get really embarrasingly excited.

Elza: Get some kind of job as an a) kids tv star or b)tv host of the "Elza and Nellie show". I would watch it. Obsessively.

Dakota: Sort out your bad attitude and stop talking about vaginas and drugs in public.



never stop doing this though

And we come to the end! No more! Time to go outside into the fresh air! Bye!

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Go-Sees

I had a TERRIBLE night so now I am ready to watch some Top Model! Let's get down to business!

Everyone is ecstatic that Dakota has been sent packing and reminisce about how annoying and awful she was. Ah, memories.

There is some game with chocolate and a crocodile which ends with Danielle sitting on a glass table and making some serious wreckage.



SARA MAIL! AND BOY AM I EXCITED! IT IS THE GO-SEES! God, I love those go-sees! Remember last year when Victoria put her spangly jacket on all backwards! SHAME
Anyway, Colin gives them some more product placement cars (Elza: "Ford Fiestas!Holla!") and some hot men to drive them around.

Michaela impresses this guy (and maybe not this girl by the looks of it)who tells us that she is good because "she is tall and slim. And that's a non-negotiable- she has to be". They like her for runway but not photo. It is not explained why.



Danielle impresses the people at NomD. They would book her for both runway and photo because she looks "like a model from Jean Paul Gaultier".

These two girls




would "consider booking Elza for runway" but not photo. Again, this is not explained. EDIT* EDIT* Tonight at work I ripped these girls tickets! This is the conversation:
me: "um, were you guys on top model last night?"
them: "oh god. yes"
me: "wow! I recognise you from screenshotting you for my blog"
them: "oh...that's really embarrassing"
me: (sort of starstruck)
them: "you are the first person to recognise us"
me:"hehe yes...."
them: "yeah"
me: "well! cinema 3! enjoy your movie!"

It was pretty smooth. If I ever meet a bona-fide celebrity I am going to flip my wig
They were very nice though. And kind of intimidating due to their success. I wish they would be my friends. I just looked up one of their facebooks and they like seinfeld too? so surely that could cement a friendship right?

This lady here liked Danielle's height. She would book her for runway and photo!



The girls from before from twentysevennames don't like Courtenay. They wouldn't' book her for runway or photo. Ouch.

They like Michaela, for runway not photos, and she makes the classic mistake of wearing a bright pink bra for her go sees. Do these girls not voraciously watch various top model shows? No? They have lives you say? Shut up please, we are go seeing here!

That guy who has the depressed looking assistant likes Elza and her swagger. He would book her for runway but not photo. I WISH THEY WOULD EXPLAIN WHY NOT!

He doesn't like Courtenay though. No bookings for her!

nomD on the other hand don't dig Elza and wouldn't book her for anything but they would book Michaela for photos.

Danielle continues to ace her go sees getting double ticks for runway and photos as twentysevennames and world. Meanwhile, Courtenay is lost in her little FORD FIESTA zooming around the highways of Auckland in a panic.

This makes me kind of wish Dakota was still around, can you imagine the state of her go sees!? The designers wouldn't know what hit them!? "Hey babe, can I have your card?", "Nip slip!" etc. God I miss her.

Suddenly Courtenay is at some school gym? And some photographers are there with some sports type guys and she has to shoot hoops and get a mini photoshoot done? What on earth is going on? Whatever is happening they don't like it. :(

Sable & Minx like Elza's walk but not her photo-ability. They like Michaela though and she gets ticks all around!

Danielle gets lost



Courtenay asks her driver to pull over. On the motorway. He refuses.

Meanwhile Michaela and Elza arrive at a school for the weird sportswear thing and Elza is at the door first but Michaela asks her to wait for her to put her shoes on then jumps the queue and enters first resulting in Elza having to wait outside while Michaela gets photos taken of her jumping and sweating. Elza says she wouldn't get all angry "cos its not in my nature".

The sportswear people like Michaela "she looks like a professional basketball player!" (?) and don't like Elza. Basketball just isn't in her nature I think.

In the end Courtenay is disqualified for being ten minutes late back and then is kicked when down with the information that no one liked her, she got no bookings.



Some guy from FORD shows up and tells them that the winner of this challenge gets to borrow a FORD FIESTA for 12 months and be their "brand ambassador" advertising the FORD FIESTA at "glamorous events up and down the country".

The winner is



Danielle is amped but Courtenay, in Holly style, is bummed. Danielle doesn't care for her pain though "WHATEVER! I AM THE AMBASSADOR FOR FORD FIESTA!".

Once Ford made a car called the Ford Pinto and it was very bad. Just saying.

And oh look! In more product/brand placement the photo shoot is at Glassons, the height of high fashion.

They are there to do a "fairground" shoot and the following things happen:

Elza is good. Looks like Lady Gaga
Courtenay is not so good. Overthinks it. Looks contrived.
Danielle isn't used to being sexy
Michaela has an Elza type break down
Michaela looks like she "is giving only 60%"

OMG GUYS ITS PANEL TIME

We get the usual clap-trap about ford fiestas and cleo and now it is time for the judging of

ELZA: Four of five designers would book her.



They like her photo. They like her. The guy from World thought that she "was going to be a gothbag" since she was from Dunedin and was pleasantly surprised. All is well for Elza. Welza.

DANIELLE: She got 9 bookings. I don't know how this compares to Elza. Its all very vague and confusing.



They think she looks "a little bit lost". Colin likes the flowers more than her.

MICHAELA: She booked 6 designers. Francis Hooper guy from world really digs her.



Despite her breakdown she did okay!

COURTENAY: Poor Courtenay. She cries and the guy from world tries to make her feel better about not booking her. Michaela also cries. She is empathetic. That's nice.



The guy from world is nice to her again "you are a model honey!" but Sara puts the boot in "The first thing I thought was 'where did she get those shoes?' and I don't think that's what you were trying to convey". If that is in fact what Courtenay was trying to convey then those would be some layered modelling shots!

DELIBERATION STATIONS SARA



BOTTOM TWO ARE:

Elza and Courtenay!

Eliminated is....

COURTENAY!

See ya Courtenay.

And look at this! next week THE GRAND FINALE WALK OFF is in fact at Wearable Arts! I can't believe I have seen their final walk! I am so confused and excited and confused and hungry.

SO! Who's it going to be in the final? Based on the ads and my very limited guessing of people in WoW I am going to go with Michaela and Elza. This is a big call though given that Danielle is the flavour of the month. WHAT DO YOU THINK INTERNET?!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Episode 11:Nivea infomercial featuring some top model footage



Warning: This is quite long. There was a LOT going on though so you will have to excuse me! If you only have 2 minutes before you have to run out of the door to go to zumba/samoa/the dairy/japan/your financial accounting lecture/sleep then I urge you to come back when you have time to digest a shitload of top model.

We open with some kind of outdoor tea-party demand session where Dakota is telling Courtenay not to spit in her tea. Danielle tells us that last week's elimination was a surprise to everyone because they all thought Dakota was a sure bet to be sent home. Danielle succinctly tells us that "When Sara read out Lara's name we were all like "what the FUCK!?". Once again, I say give Danielle her own blog/show/country. She tells it like it is!

Dakota is all "SHAME! I WASN'T THE LAST ONE TO GET ELIMINATED. OBVIOUSLY. IT WAS LARA, NOT ME". Dakota then throws the tea Courtnay made her in the sink and Michaela tells us that Dakota is very pretty but that's not the be all and end all- you have to have a personality too. Which Dakota definitely has although the jury is out on whether it is a good or bad one.

They get some Sara mail. It says "The rules are simple, keep it clean keep it beautiful". Dakota adds on her own ending "Keep it shaved". I admit, I giggled and spilled my hot cocoa. Dakota, as crazy as she is, can't be criticised for her lack of humour.

The girls are all organised on a bed in matching white tops and Dakota entertains the group by laying out her 5 year plan, which is to get a psychology degree. Danielle thinks this is hilarious

but everyone else is all "oh, okay cool".

What follows is a shameless plug for Nivea products featuring last "cycle's" winner Christobelle

and international model Ngahuia Williams. The girls are herded into a bathroom set where Christobelle dons a nivea headwrap and delivers a product placement filled tutorial on washing your face. It is exceedingly painful and doesn't even attempt to disguise itself as anything but a paid spot for Nivea and their range of totally necessary products guys!

We get a lot of extreme close-ups of nivea products and we learn just why Christobelle and Ngahuia think they are "really cool" (because they are getting paid to say so) and Christobelle shows us how to use damp wipes to take your make up off. Shockingly you wipe them on your face. It comes off. Its pretty self-explanatory. "Um you just wipe it off. Yeah"

We get to see Christobelle take off makeup



Take off mascara


Wash her face


Its all absolutely fascinating!

My sister has never seen an episode of Top Model and was unlucky enough to catch her first glimpse tonight. I received this text "Well I am glad that they know how to FUCKING WASH THEIR FACES god. Even if I was a 10 year old girl with skin problems and a strong desire to watch girls who are unable to enunciate I would still would not find this even mildly interesting...YOU WATCH THIS EVERY WEEK?!".

Yes. Every single week.

After the horrifically long paid Nivea advertisement we are treated to Danielle and Dakota explaining why they hate each other. Danielle thinks Dakota is trying to pick at everyone's weak spots to bring them down and Dakota thinks that Danielle, for the first time referred to as "Dani" "Is like stray dog who has been beaten and you don't know if its going to attack you or lick your hand"

This happens too



and this



Sara mail arrives and it says something about "giving as good as it gets". They all take guesses about what it could be and Dakota won't shut up about Starship hospital leading to Danielle saying "What is with you and Starship hospital?!" and Dakota grunting "I JUST WANT TO GO TO STARSHIP HOSPITAL!" and Danielle yelling "I CAN SEND YOU THERE!" with raised fist. Dakota doesn't like it but Michaela thinks its the best thing since sliced bread!



They go to some old building in downtown Auckland where Chris Sisarich and undercover "Mystery Judge" aka Ursula Hufnagel of Chic Model Management are waiting. They have an hour to create their own idea for a charity and a 15 second tv campaign. It is like a practice run I guess for the whole future "Easy, breezy beautiful, cover geeeeul" shoots later.

Danielle thinks the mystery judge is actually named "Mystery Judge" and that her parents must have been hippies. I hope this is a joke. Please let this be a joke.

Danielle's charity is "A place to call home" something about building eco homes? Her idea seems okay but her delivery of the 15 second ad is HORRIBLE. She delivers one line then screams "FUUUUUCK!" frightening Hufnagl.


Dakota's is "Beat the statistic" about helping Maori kids do well in school, she is pretty good at selling it to Hufnagl who thinks Dakota has "good energy". If Dakota made more of an effort to be charming Dakota all the time then there would probably be no stopping her. Sadly, for every impressive Dakota moment there is a "CHINA THE VAGINA" moment.She performs her script in a manic almost parody of a real charity ad. I think she is acutally quite cute in these bits but I know what is lurking beneath the surface.



Elza's charity is "Real Redheads Unite" about stopping bullying of redheads "I get a hard time, my mum gets a hard time, even my red-haired chicken gets a hard time". She is pretty natural, she could be the new Ruby. Michaela says that she thought at first that Elza's charity was a joke but now she sees that she is talking about how people "make fun of gingas".

Michaela's charity is "Heart for Africa" about helping child poverty in Africa and she too is flat, stilted and emotionless.

Courtenay's is "Save our future" about donating unwanted clothing to help stop child abuse and while the judges think she can memorise well, she has no personality whatsoever making her boring and flat.

Chris Sisarich comes across as really paternal during this charity session, I'm not sure if its because of all the felt tip pens and brainstorm charts but he is very appealing here. Maybe even more so than noted photographer Nigel Barker.

Anyway, the winner is declared Elza who gets to go to dinner with Dakota as a prize. Um. Okay? Then at dinner Christobelle shows up delivering dessert and an envelope from Nivea (a pact with the devil?) containing $500 in $20 notes.

If this is considered payment for that TERRIBLE Christobelle/Ngahuia Williams skin tutorial then Nivea must have the best marketing/financial team ever! Domination of a prime timeslot and a ready made audience of captive girls and women duped into watching a Nivea infomercial for potentially a mere $500? Maybe $1500 if we assume they also thew an envelope of cash at both Christobelle and Ngahuia. Genius marketing, if terribly annoying and vaguely insulting.

Elza, however, being far less cynical and bitter than I is extremely grateful and cries at the table because "It has made my lifetime! I would never expect something so great to happen to me!". She is like an innocent kitten.

Back in the kitchen in front of a giant fridge product placement of that water owned by Marc Ellis or whatever they get some Sara mail. It says something about a "blank canvas". Immediately Courtenay is all "I am not going naked with body paint" and Elza freaks out with "you will see my cellulite through the paint!".

They converge at "Eden Gardens" where they are told that yes, in fact they will be basically naked covered in horns, nipple stickers, plastic g-strings and body paint.



Remember Holly? Imagine if she were still around?! Just thought we needed a bit of a picture break. And to thank our lucky stars we were saved the pain of Holly naked with prostetics hating cupcakes/dishes/life

Elza feels nervous because she is "a bit wobblier than the other girls" and "doesn't like looking in the mirror". God, if Elza is wobbly then I should just stop trying right now. Honestly. If I looked like her I would be naked 24-7.

Danielle tries to inject some sanity into the situation by telling Elza that everyone is built differently and that the only thing big on her is her bottom lip and her big toe.

Without warning we get a shot of made up Michaela looking like a lost extra from Avatar versus Pans Labyrinth. It made me laugh for a good ten minutes.



Courtenay is up first and although she feels naked and exposed she does well, although I feel extremely uncomfortable watching the footage of what could be considered cartoon porn in some circles.

OH HI DANIELLE!



Danielle's up next does well because, as we remember from previous episodes, she relishes being naked.

Dakota is up next and Chris begs her not to "be a weird creature" and instead to be graceful and elegant which he concedes "runs against her personality type".

After Dakota makes lots of weird poses it is Michaela's turn. She is a bit freaked out about being naked but she gets very good shots, apparently and in the end she thinks it is her favourite photo shoot.

Without being a major creep it makes me feel, to quote FAN FAVOURITE Holly, "super bummed" seeing these basically naked girls with insanely good bodies and perky boobs. I want to go hide under a blanket and eat eclairs. No good.

Anyway, Elza is up next and although she has been freaking out in the dressing room thinking she is a fattie (which CLEARLY SHE IS NOT) she gets really good feedback and poses with odd little horns poking out of her head like a seasoned model who models weird horns naked regularly. Maybe even for two whole years more!

Back in the spa Dakota tells us that she thinks she deserves to win "because of all the crap God's put me through, he is like "here, have a bone". I really don't want to believe that God is busying himself with top model and hope he didn't have to sit through the Nivea tutorial earlier. Dakota also says she is aiming for being in the "top one". I think the regular people call that "winning" Dakota.

PANEL TIME!


Bad news everyone: Colin's horrible facial hair is back.



First up for judging is Courtenay
They watch her awkward commerical spot and it is pretty cringeworthy. Not that I could do better but then again I am not on NZNTM am I?
They love her photo though



Michaela is up next
They are bored to tears with her commerical spot and I feel pretty bad for her. Then Colin "Remorsefully-absent-of-late" Mathura-Jefferee asks Michaela what Africa needs. She tells him "water, food and education" and he says, displaying the usual empathy and tact that we have come to expect from him says "Afica needs straightening irons". UMMM....Way to take the issue seriously Mustachey.

ANYWAY moving on to Michaela's photo



All the regular judges swoon over it, Colin demands to be eaten alive by 16 year old Michaela and Hufnagl breaks up the party by saying that she's not that fond of the photo actually! SHAME REGULAR JUDGES!

Dakota is up next with her TERRIBLE, but highly entertaining "Beat the Statistic" ad. They think it sucks, obviously.
Her photo is not a hit either. Hufnagl gives her the thumbs down and they think she is just not really good enough- i.e they have used up all her comedic value and are ready to kick her to the curb.



Elza is up next and rapidly desolves into tears when asked to explain to Colin her charity idea. Apparently people in the past have called her "an ugly ginga twin" and this discussion trying to justify it to Colin and him rambling on about his strategy of then attacking the attacker's flaws just gets her more upset. Shut up please Colin?

Anyway, her photo



I think it is the best one and I think she has the most aesthically pleasing-in-a-non-objectifying-cos-I-am-against-that way body. Anyway, they say she has a great photo and great ad but her confidence issue makes them wonder about her being able to make it in the cutthroat world of fashion. I personally like that she in touch with her emotions. Better that than some souless husk stalking around trying to sell me gentle cleansing wash.

Danielle is up next

Her ad is an abject failure.
Her photo



Sara is worried that she is "extremely strong in some areas and extremely weak in others". She has a point.

ELIMINATION TIME:

First safe is:

Courtenay



Michaela



Danielle



FUCK! ELZA! NO! I have transfered all my Ruby/Eva love to her and I don't want to get hurt again!

The bottom two



Who's it gonna be Sara?



ELZA! (phew!) Sorry Dakota, the dream is over.

And I actually feel genuinely bad for her. She is devastated and self-aware enough to say "I am going to miss the girls the most. They were so nice to me when I was a dick to them". Now that she is leaving I kind of love her a bit. I guess you don't know what you've got till its gone right? right? RIGHT!?

She really is reality tv gold though. I hate it when the elminated girls are all "oh it was just my time to go. I am happy with my place. I get to go see my family" etc etc. Instead Dakota hides nothing, sobbing and explaining that she is "in so much pain" and howling that "I JUST WANTED TO BE NEW ZEALAND'S NEXT TOP MODEL". I think she wins the role of "most memorable" so that's something! I think she will probably get famous you guys. Like for real. If we had Big Brother she would be all over that.



I think she had to go but I still feel sorry for her. I am getting soft in my old age.

So we are left with four! Here is what the final would look like if I had my way.



I am thinking that Courtenay might be top two though. My heart says otherwise though! Elza all the way for me!