THE MAKEOVER EPISODE!

Okay so I can't sleep tonight because I am having some major allergic reaction to something and so I am staying up tonight sneezing wildly and blinking through fat eyelids and trying not to rip my skin off.

The show must go on though and I am pretty excited about THE MAKEOVER EPISODE!

The credits start and we see Sara and co blowing gold glitter at us and the girls in a bunch of bizarre beige tog things. The entire last season I thought the opening credit song lyrics were "filthy models! filthy money! FILTHY MODELS! FILTHY MONEY!!!" and I was so sad when I was informed that I was wrong. :( The same thing happened the other night with that song "dude looks like a lady" which I have been singing as "move it like a lady!" for my entire life. :(

Anyway, we start the show with Holly (BOOOOO!!!) telling us that tonight is Lauren's 17th birthday and this is good because they get cake! And champagne! And grape juice for the little'ins. I see Eva my new favourite. I am officially hitching my wagon to her star- she is my ONE TO WATCH.

OH OH OH guess what happened last week! Me and Toby went to a shoe shop to swap his ill-fitting desert boots for better fitting desert-boots and the shop had these lollipops (Mischief Shoes on Lambton Quay if you are interested) and they were SOOOOO DELICOUS! I took about 15 and the shop girl was so lovely and gave us MORE MORE MORE and then COMPLETELY UNSOLICITED she told me that Colin MOTHER-FUCKING MATHURA-JEFFREE came into the shoe shop the other day and he couldn't keep his ladylike hands off them! She said that for someone so slender he could really put those lollipops away! I was, understandably, pretty excited to hear this and then we discussed our top picks for the show- I told her I have fallen in love with Eva and she couldn't remember who that was (granted not the best sign for me and my girl) and she hated the twins! But she liked Lara! Toby stood there awkwardly holding the bag full of desert boots and lollipops and then when we left she yelled out "ENJOY TOP MODEL!" and the entire customer base looked up excitedly, assuming I was one of the top models and then looked at each other confused when they saw I was me. It was a pretty great day.

OKAY MAKEOVER! If they don't buzz cut someone I am going to be pissed.

Holly-they will do something blah whatever I hate her
Eva- "your hair is a shambles!" SHUT UP ABOUT HER SARA OR YOU WILL HAVE ME TO ANSWER TO OKAY!?
Dakota- her hair is some kind of crazy bouff today they will do something or other to fix it?
Nellie- ? they don't say. Just something to make it different to Elza
Elza- BIG MYSTERY
Lara- her hair is naturally red so they are going back TO HER ROOTS. ha.
Amelia- something warm?
Danielle- I have no idea what they are doing with her, they are all speaking in some kind of hairdresser language "less beachy up here and more beachy down there". WHAT DO YOU MEAN MR SERVILLE OF SERVILLES HAIR?
Aafreen- something dramatic and warm? Bits around her face?
Courtney- already has "great hair" just needs something DRAMATIC
Lauren- this is where it gets properly DRAMATIC instead of just aesthetically dramatic-Sara wants to ruin her birthday by cutting off all her hair. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAUREN! ENJOY BEING BALD.

Well, bald is maybe a bit of an overstatement. Just something short. Of course, Lauren is "really attached to my long hair". Sara says that she wants to make her hair short because she thinks she will go further. This is a clue for us maybe. If the end result is boring and like what they already have then maybe Sara doesn't want to waste good Top Model dollars crafting their hair into "beachy down theres" or "BIG MYSTERY HAIR". One of these twins better be fucking bald by the end of this show or I am honestly going to howl into the night- my puffy face cannot take much more of this tension!

Sara lays down the law: "If you refuse to cut your hair I will send you home".

God I love Eva! Colin "I LOVE LOLLIPOPS!" Mathura-Jeffree tells her her hair "looks like a racoon's bum". She is all "yeah...I had it all blonde then when I went to dye it back brown I ran out of hair dye". She is my kind of lady- all low maintenance and called Eva. I like the name Eva.

Blah blah suddenly on the kind of whim that only whims when it is someone else's happiness and self-image you are playing with Sara decides to cut Courtney's hair "Twiggy short" and Courtney is all "gulp!"

This is the makeover so far with my picks for boring hair/not sticking around much longer correlation: BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER: correlation does not equal causation! I learnt that in a psychology lab once.



I fear for my Eva! Her hair is almost not changed! Danielle also who my friend Louise likes. Amelia I don't care for anymore since she made Lauren cry over an oven and Holly can fuck right off.

Now for the BIG hair reveals of the day! What of Elza and Nellie!? Have they given one a huge aff weave and the other one a number one?



Um no. They looks the same as always. This is SUCH a let down. What a wasted opportunity! Stupid Sara busy chopping off crying girl's hair on her birthday and forgetting to fulfill important duties such as giving them both a chance. Why on earth would they keep them both around now? They can't both be in the final two, no one will watch! Well, except the twin's mum and dad I guess but even then! Nellie will go first and it will all come to tears and recriminations. Mark my words!

Okay! So while this was all going on Lauren was doing this:



I'm not sure if you can tell but that is a lot of crying. She HATES her hair. Colin likes that because it gives her passion or something.

Anyway, this is the end result for the short hair, sticking around for a while ladies. Excuse the wild use of the paintbucket/colour explosion in this picture, I got a bit carried away, kind of like the sex and the city trailer predicted I would.



The ad break on this on demand really freaked me out. Here I am, at 3.24am on a Monday morning in my trackpants eating chips and dip drinking hot diet coke from on top of the heater, face barely recognisable through red patches and puffy eyelids furiously working on a paint picture of Lauren and Courtney and people on the ad are about my age and discussing home loans and stuff- what on earth is a floating rate? I am not doing so good at being a real adult right now. My most fervent desire is to have not warm diet coke, own a bulldog, go on some roller coasters and punch Holly in the face. Not discuss floating rates or have anything to do with that creepy horse bank. This is very sobering.

Oh well! Can't do much about that right now, best get back to the job at hand: bitching about people I don't know on the internet

They get some SARA MAIL and they are going to do a catwalk show!

They look a lot like airline hostesses or whatever they are meant to be called, cabin crews? airline attendants? eh
whatever they are called Holly looks like she belongs at the budget airline for sure



Poor Danielle stumbles all over the place and walks like I do in heels: like a awkward stiff old lady. I feel bad for her and also there was glitter on the runway so it was a bit more slippery.

I guess I was right about that airline thing because for some reason they now have to go next door to "a party hosted by pacific blue" to talk shit with the fashion who's who. GOOD LUCK DANIELLE! DON'T TALK ABOUT JAIL! DAKOTA- DON'T THREATEN MURDER!

Dakota thinks that the people are "all hired actors". Sadly they are not. She soon realises this and goes about impressing the bigwigs by screaming "Oh i wish I wore a bra! Oh how did I let that slip I am SOOO sorry about that!" at the designer and popping up behind people and yelling "GIDDAY!" and demanding business cards from every person including the poor girl serving peking duck from a giant serving platter.


The Many and Varied Faces of Insanity: Dakota meets Pacific Blue

Over on the other side of the room Nellie and Elza try their best to come across as sophisticated ladies and have this conversation taken word-for-word with a fancy pacific blue group "Yeah, we actually have a pet cat at home who is both male and female. She's quite screwed in the head but that makes her who she is...(wise nod) yeah".

Meanwhile, Danielle decided to take off her shoes and wanders around barefoot mingling with peking duck eating head honchos while Lauren takes wild guesses about where different people from the PACIFIC BLUE SOIREE worked "Oh I think I have already met you...Pacific blue, right?"
Guy: "Yes" silently wondering how on earth this fits his job description and regretting long lost opportunities for a career in medicine or as a broadcast journalist.

Dakota is continuing to assail the senses of anyone who has the misfortune of meeting her and ACTUALLY does that awful crotch jutting pump thing that terrible people do sometimes: in front of ACTUAL PEOPLE AT A FANCY BUSINESS LUNCHEON



For once I totally agree with Holly's disdainful glare. Dakota is disgusting and also a total brat. Danielle, of all people, tells Dakota "you've gotta know when to tone it down, ay bro" and then tells us in a to camera interview "SHAME!".

Some lady from covergirl tells us that some of the girls don't realise that they are dealing with corporate clients and then Dakota rocks on up and promptly performs some kind of zombie dance move right at this poor helpless woman. Note the awkward smile.



Not only that but she moves through the crowd to impress more potential clients and regales them with the immortal story of her name "It was Dakota or China. HAHA imagine if I had been called China! At school all the kids would have been like "CHINA THE VAGINA" ha ha ha ha".

Awkward silence

Cut directly to Colin who proclaims it "an extraordinary evening!"
He tells Dakota she is an abject failure (that's the gist of it), berates Holly and Danielle for being joined at the hip, tells Elza and Nellie that people love them (that hermaphroditic cat must be some kind of people magnet) and promptly proclaims Lauren to be the winner. Everyone goes "awwww" in a "why not me!kind of way" and Lauren is joyfully shocked!



Holly is not. Holly is as Holly always is.


"Super bummed"

Courtney is cute though "I was so happy when Lauren won because she is so sweet and innocent and I think she deserves it. I was happy". Aww, she is nice! She is happy for someone else's achievement! Good for you Courtney, Dakota and Holly could do to take a leaf out of her book.

They have to do a beauty shoot for jewellery and it also stars a budgie? Kind of a weird shoot and not very exciting. Not like in ANTM when they had to have photos in a tank or seven deadly sins shoots. Birds=not so exciting.

So to make the shoot more exciting they decide to partake in some emotional torture and only let Nellie and Elza do the shoot wearing the same dress so they can decide which one they want to keep- one of them, I can't tell since they are insisting on maintaining this identical thing, starts crying while getting her makeup done and really, its not very fair. Stupid Sara and her mind games.

Poor Elza starts hyperventilating with upset and Nellie is all stressed because she can't stop worrying about her! They are so cute! They make me want a twin so bad. Elza is all freaking out imagining a future where Nellie is the only one in work and Elza is some kind of jobless drifter seething with jealousy for her twin and simultaneously feeling guilty and not wanting to be jealous because they are best friends!

Anyway, she gets over it after a heart to heart with Nellie in the car park where they proclaim their mutual love and it really is making me jealous now. WHY CAN'T I HAVE A TWIN SISTER!? WHY NOT!??! THIS SUCKS

Dakota hates the bird. She "wants to attack it and bite it". I think she might have serious problems and could genuinely be a danger to this poor animal.

ELIMINATION TIME

Sara has a TERRIBLE cold. She sounds like an 80 year old smoker. Oh apparently its laryngitis. Colin "thought it was some european designer" lol lol lol.

The consensus is:
Elza- good!
Nellie- great!
Dakota- crazy!
Courtney- not used to her new do
Holly- glum looking- BOTTOM TWO PREDICTION
Lara- looks like a child
Eva- my dream girl

look how great she looks!



SHE IS HOT HOT HOT!

Amelia- too many of the same look
Lauren- used to be "a crashing bore" now is AMAZING
Aafreen- underwhelming and complains about the bird nibbling on her thumb: ELIMINATION PREDICTION
Danielle- exceptional


ELIMINATION TIME:
BOTTOM TWO: Aafreen and Holly! If you would cast your mind back you will note that these two both only had minor hair changes thus adding support to the makeoever prediction theory!



"And the name I am going to call, and still in the running to be New Zealand's next top model is....Holly.

PREDICTION WIN FOR ME!
MODELLING DREAM LOSS FOR AAFREEN

Blah blah tears etc

NEXT WEEK: "A surprise guest turns up the heat!"

And its Daniel Carter. My girl Eva thinks he's "SO HANDSOME" and smiles giddily.

We are promised that the competition will get too much for some and Colin proclaims something to be "an epic fail"



I don't think he is self-aware enough to be discussing his facial hair though.

And that is a wrap for the fourth episode of NZNTM! My facial swelling has gone down and I can clearly see through my eyelids so all in all I think this was a success!

Until next week ladies!

I MISS YOU SEAN!

Episode 3: Promotional promises of "drive bys" were sadly misleading

Another week has passed and we are moving inexorably towards our demises. But there are models to watch and people for me to hate so let's do this!

Remember last week how Estelle was kicked out? Yeah, well Michaela is pretty bummed about her leaving and she cries. She is pretty beautiful I think?
Jamie is all upset about being in the bottom two and she is all "argh! I only have myself to blame if I do another bad photo and get kicked out and all my dreams shattered!". Nellie's (or maybe Elza's?) response to this is thus:



LOL!

Being a top model potential looks pretty glamorous, their surroundings are luxurious, take this for example:



They have ANTS! That's pretty gross ladies.

Apparently Lara is annoying? I think the producers of the show couldn't find any good evidence of this annoyingness so they settled upon a clip of her asking Nellie (or Elza?) "how did you get superglue on your hands?" which, to be fair, is not a terribly stupid question?

The superglue question wasn't answered though because "SARA MAIL" arrived! And the Sara mail is pretty shit really. It really looks like something the actual Sara may have made at home out of paper mache and stick on $2 shop diamantes. Just look at it! Someone's job is to make that!



Anyway, they get told not let the grass grow under their feet? or something? and they are off to a dance studio!!!! YAAAAAAYY!!!! DANCING IS GREAT!!!!

Nellie says "oh crikey! I am a terrible dancer"

DOUBLE YAY!!!!!!

That guy from the Wellington water whirler thing who was sashaying in high heels is there and he is going to force them into dancing all the beats of the globe! God this is exciting!!!!!

This is how well the dancing went:
Please note: This is meant to be a CHOREOGRAPHED dance! they SHOULD be doing THE SAME THING



And more!



That is Dakota there in the foreground. Pretty much the only kind of dancing I want to watch?

It made Lara go like this:



"hmmmm"


They are digging for dirt on Amelia and her frame. She likes it, she thinks she is HOT! then she says "I've got a boyfriend, that proves it HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHHHA" with a cackle. GO FEMINISM!

Holly is still being as alluring as ever



And the end result of this is that they are going somewhere on a bus! AND BOY DOES IT LOOK LIKE A FUN ROAD TRIP



Anyway, after a few hours they are in Rotorua and they are to go zoorbing! BUT they have to model while in the zoorb? This is a bit wishy washy BUT LOOK AT EVA! Doesn't she look like an adorable wartime sweetheart or something? I want to marry her in this getup!



They were meant to make "dynamic shapes" while rolling around the Rotorua paddocks and this was Jamie's dynamic pose



You can't deny it has something.

Nellie, meanwhile, got stuck in the opening of the zoorb and couldn't get out. I think I love her.

Danielle is all inspirational "Back home you have three options, 1) go on the dole, 2) get pregnant or 3) get out and do something with your life. I have taken the third option". AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Anyway, Courtney wins the challenge and takes Eva to get her day spa treatment. All the other girls are jealous, especially Holly.

They get new Sara mail! They are going to get "down and dirty!"

Of course, the previous foreboding of "fat amelia" returns with Chris Sisarich telling her she needs to work on her body. And he is right, look how fat she is



Danielle likes getting compliments because she was bullied as a kid, Holly thinks she is in bad shape and cries, Michaela "is a christian" but it's going to stop her from modelling in the mud because she has "confidence in the lord".

Holly thinks Lara is going home "because she's got fat thighs".



What. A. Bitch.

Lara thinks it will be okay if she gets eliminated now because then at least "you are one of top 13 most prettiest people in New Zealand". Argh.

Dakota wants to grab a nine millimeter and just go "BOOM!DIE" to Lara. I think she probably does have a nine millimeter.Maybe under her pillow. Just look at those crazy eyes!



Anyway, its elimination time!

Holly= takes too much direction
Elza= HOT HOT HOT "You have proved to me you are more than a twin and long red hair"
Aafreen= Good posing, must learn to have fun
Jamie= comedy music and clearly failing to understand basic words. Possibly a bit thick.



The face of someone who doesn't know what "anaemic" means



Or the word "dynamic"

They like Lara which makes the other girls go like this



and this



At this point I am predicting Jamie and Dakota for the bottom two

AD BREAK!

And I don't want to toot my own horn here but my prediction came true! A skill honed from far too many years of Top Model. Probably could have put that time to better use...

Look at Sara's face though!




And because Sara doesn't want Dakota to go make some "adult entertainment" she stays. Jamie is sent packing.

BUT NEXT WEEK GUESS WHAT?!?? IT'S MAKEOVER TIME!!! Lauren doesn't want to cut her hair! Dakota is very uncouth in public! She tells strangers she isn't wearing a bra! Girls cry about hairdos! I CAN'T WAIIIIT!

I am going to go with a twin getting their hair cut really short, Aafreen getting not much done really, courtney = big change and dye, lara = dye dark, amelia = shorter?, dakota = short short? holly= fringe and platinum? OH I CAN'T WAIT IT BETTER BE DRAMATIC AND FULL OF TEARS

Episode 2: Murder in their eyes

The top 14 are very excited because they now live in top model house and have a crapload of nivea products. The first ten or so minutes of this show are very boring and we learn that Estelle used to be a size 18 but now she is a potential top model. "And look at you now!" they all crow and Estelle smugly tells the camera "Being on top model is fantastic because it makes me feel like I am an amazing person". ? I guess the rest of us idiots aren't amazing people. Whatever, this is pretty boring.


Size 18 Estelle


Smug Estelle

Since models do high fashion and shit we are off, naturally, to Glassons. There we meet some buyer woman, Colin "Killmenow" Mathura-Jeffree and some model who is introduced ambiguously as "a lover of Glassons". My dirty mind makes me think exciting things but of course this is not the route this show is taking and instead the model woman rambles on stiltedly about the wonder that is Glassons. Isn't it weird that Glassons have been making the same polar fleece top for the last 10 years? Every time I go in there there are like 500 of these things and I guess there must be a market for them?


They are getting tested on their sense of style so they have to pick an outfit for each other in pairs. Once I remember doing this with my friend Briar but it wasn't to look good. This would have been a much more exciting challenge if it had resulted in our picks- horrific $10 ball dresses from some terrible knock off store in South City with faux-fur jackets and taslon zip up pants.

Nellie truly is turning into one of my favourites. She really enjoyed the challenge even though she knew she was going to suck "I was with Amelia (my OTHER favourite!) and its hard not to have fun with her, we had SO much fun! I jabbed her in the eye with sunglasses!"

So much fun.

Nellie told everyone "I knew my outfit was really trashy and disgusting" which caused Colin to have a mini fit about trash talking the "client" right in front of them (as opposed to behind their backs obviously) "That is the KISS OF DEATH in the industry"! Poor Nellie! It's like she is Jim Carrey in Liar Liar.

Anyway, they all looked GREAT and really unique



But in the end Courteney/Elza won. Like you care though right?

So it looks like this Holly (who shouldn't even BE in the finals given that she was extra number 14) is a bit of a bitch. She is all "there is a VERY obvious age gap" while making a stink face and looking like someone who should be standing on your foot and whispering nasty things to you during a game of netball at high school.



Then she starts making the gossip by digging for dirt with some of the others "Oh is there someone here who is starting to get on your nerves?" YES YOU HOLLY YOU BITCH!

Oh man! My favourite Amelia is making 16 year old Lauren cry because she left the oven on by mistake! "HELLO! I am NOT your mother! Your mother doesn't live here!". Well! I will no longer be supporting you Amelia! You have just lost your one and possibly only fan!

It turns out that Amelia, while being a big meanie, is also, according to Colin "a hoochie". She poses like a stripper or something so that usually means that she probably won't make it much further. I am giving her two weeks tops. Oh, by the way, they are posing on a wire thingee 7 metres off the ground. I don't know why either.

Danielle is pretty awesome. Colin tries to tell her to "get physical" with her poses so instead she busts out the obvious "LET'S GET PHYSICAL, PHYSICAL!" song and then proclaims "I like the heights but not the posing. I guess that's what this show is about though....posing" while looking thoroughly dejected. :(


NZ's next top model? I certainly hope so!

Colin tells Lara to "think murder with your eyes" which I guess is good advice?

Okay I think Colin might actually be evil though. Estelle is terrified of heights and was shaking and singing to herself to stop herself passing out so what does Colin do? Shakes the rope bridge!

Anyway, so nothing really happens, Colin "CulpableManslaughter" Mathura-Jeffree is all sassy and "get out of my sight!", people act like bitches, no one else likes Amelia either now so I guess that's something me and these ladies have in common? Anyway, ELIMINATION TIME and they like Elza and Dakota but Colin gives Nellie a big telling off and makes her cry about the whole telling the truth to Glassons thing and its pretty cute because twin Elza cries along with her! Twin-connection!

They think Courteney isn't confident, Michaela has beautiful eyes, Aafreen is good because she could be "thai, malaysian etc" and its pretty racist because while she is being judged Bollywood music plays. Lara is too trained (in ballet not in being completely forgettable), Amelia is a disappointment, Jamie looks too bored, Estelle was "the shocker of the day", Eva is, conversely, "shot of the day". They tell Lauren she has a good photo then tell her off for not knowing it was a good photo, Holly comes across as a stone cold bitch and needs to "warm up" her face, Danielle doesn't really want to be there but Sara is intent on keeping her around and making her into a model so that's something I guess?



Oh, they kick Estelle out. She says "its a bit guttering".

This episode sucked. Too much Glassons' placement and waaaaaaaaaaaay too much Holly making her bitch face at me.


I am looking forward to the makeover episode where they give one of those twins a buzzcut and cut Eva's hair. I think she is the one to watch so she should be receiving a hot new do to propel her out of mediocrity and straight to the top!

All in all this episode get 3 bitches/10. Not good. Not good at all.

Next week though the narrator tells us that we could be witnessing a drive by! Dakota says she wants to get out her 9mm and kill someone! PLEASE BE AMELIA AND/OR HOLLY!

Like lambs to the slaughter: Episode One 19 spirits are crushed and Colin still looks like an emu

Okay, so I have to say, first off, that I am pretty bitter about the first "cycle" of NZ's next top model. I wanted Ruby to win and when she was EVICTED I was pretty mad. BUT! I am willing to give SaraBanks another chance to entertain and thrill me while watching other people's dreams crumble before me. So it is with a strong anticipation of much future schadenfreude that I begin this journey into more broken hearts and crushed spirits. ON WITH THE SHOW!

I don't know if I am wrong about this but I was expecting one of those awesome American Idol type montage first shows where we see really tragic girls desperately vying for the attention of the judges and they make them do hilarious things and we can all laugh heartily in the knowledge that we aren't stupid enough to audition for anything/reach for the stars. But instead we get straight into it! First a recap about last "cycle"- all this does is make me long nostalgically for that time when Laura ate a chili and wouldn't stop talking about it for week and when Hosanna embarrassed herself in front of MR NIGEL BARKER, FAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHER.

But! SaraBanks promises us that we will soon get to know many MANY more vulnerable young girls to mock and so I turn up the volume and settle down in my trackpants for a good 45 mins of voyeuristic bitching.

We get a montage of SaraBanks calling the girls who will be the top 33 and they all seem very surprised to have made it. I would have thought the camera crew filming them taking the phone call might have been a giveaway but then again last cycle Hosanna didn't know what an eggplant was.

ANYWAY, the point is that they are going to Wellington! They are all suitably impressed by how beautiful they are as a collective and they stroll glamourously down the waterfront and soon they are "SOOOOOO EXCITED" to be at their hotel! You would think they had never seen a room with two beds in it before but you know how it is, you HAVE to have the screaming or else we won't know that it is exciting!

"Oh my god! A bed!"
"Oh my god! A lift!"



"Oh my god! Curtains!"

Nellie says "I was so suprised because I thought we would be staying at a backpackers, cos its cheaper".

It turns out that Nellie is some kind of genius because now they are off to the first challenge, it is on the waterfront and she says "This morning's challenge was quite nervous because we saw lifeguards and I thought, oh no, I can't swim!". This makes me think Nellie has no idea what shitty reality show she is on and perhaps is under the impression she is trying to get into the top 20 finalists for "New Zealand's next top backpacking and open-water swimming star" or something much wittier, imagine for yourself an alternate title. I have a feeling Nellie will be staying on in the prime position of resident moron. She might even be top model savvy and be actively carving out a niche for herself in the now vacated Hosanna role.

Anyway, Colin "You terrify me" Mathura-Jeffree is haunting the waterfront and apparently what he doesn't know about catwalk isn't worth knowing.



I would venture there are quite of lot of things Colin knows that aren't worth knowing.

So anyway there is some man in a skirt and high heels slinking all over the water whirler and now, here's a big surprise, they are going to have to walk too! OH MY GAWWWD.

Colin is some kind of sassy/tragic/desperate imitation of Miss Jay and says semi mean things like "You might as well fall in the water, you would look better than the way you are walking" and "You look psychotic and you have a zombie face".

Predictably the majority suck. They are "a hot mess" according to Colin. Well, he would know I guess.

The next day they go to somewhere to do a range of odd activities. Some throw knives, others shoot things and some get driven around in fast cars. I am guessing there must be a reason behind this but Nellie doesn't know "All I was doing was squealing!".

It is very McCleod's daughters and THEN Sarabanks arrives via helicopter! They are really excited and I still don't know why. I understand models getting all excited about Tyra but come on, Sara? Anyway, she gives them bit of a depressing speech about how some of them will suck big time and then she helicopters off again leaving the girls to continue throwing knives at logs and squealing.

Hang on, suddenly they are back at the hotel? What on earth was the point of this outback adventure shit?

Oh! They are doing the interview bit! They are all ready to ask insightful and probing questions about these girls and a)make them cry, b) make them eat chilis or c) prove that they are one of the stock Top Model characters of which there are only a few variations.
So we begin with : The Mother.
This is Holly. She has a two year old. She is a natural at the catwalk. She is an early favourite so will probably be good for a few weeks then suddenly suck which they will attribute to her being a mother who is away from her baby. She will get in. She also says that watching others fail makes her feel good and she is ruthless and not here to make friends. I like that in a girl.

Next we have TWINS
Nellie and Elza. They are brought in together because apparently they count as one person? Nellie says "I have done some shows, of course". Yeah, I have done some shows too, obviously. Haven't we all? They ask them what will happen if one of them gets told they suck before the other and they are all "oh we only want to be here if we are together". Which is good for the drama because there is no way they are both getting through to the final 4 or whatever. They can replace last cycles Olivia and the other one who were sisters and were constantly being compared to each other until it ruined their self esteem.

Next we have a girl with dreads who sings with her acoustic guitar and a girl from Bombay about whom Colin remarks "I thought I was the hottest curry in the land!?" and Sara says "Oh ho! Not anymore!.

BUT! There is one girl who frightens me more than Colin "Rogan Josh" Mathura-Jeffrees and her name is Emily. She is 16 and, I quote "works at Spookers as an actress. I get to dress in a catsuit and wear extravagent make-up and have my way with 6 people in a dark room". She then goes on to explain how she often racks her long fingernails up people's backs and has had customers try to commit suicide by leaping out of second floor windows to escape her horrifying ways. The odd thing is that she looks like a meek 12 year old.

I can't stop looking at this photo and I feel like if I say her name three times in the mirror she will appear and claw my eyes out.



She will get through to the next stage . This show loves disturbing me more than is necessary.

I have been trawling the "Spookers" website trying to hunt down a photo of her because I get the strong feeling that she is a lunatic and I couldn't identify her but I found this gorgeous shot of what COULD be her and which I am very hopeful will be her "look" throughout the competition


Then things take a turn for the serious when one girl, Dakota, tells the panel that she was considering "adult entertainment" before she got the top model call and she "knows that sounds real slutty and stuff but I am not a slutty person". Then Sara basically tells her she is in the top 13 "we are here to give you another option!". Well, I can't really complain about that, I would rather Dakota avoid pornography and send Emily back to the creep shop.

Next up is Jamie, from Rotorua. She "loves her body and loves showing it off" and Sara "loves that!". I am guessing that Colin probably does not love that. Jamie says that she should win because she is "the best looking girl here! FUCK I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT!". She should get through, everyone loves an arrogant hottie. Plus, since she is so confident now we just have to wait a few weeks until someone calls her fat or says she looks like a dude and then they can kick her out for "losing that spark".

Next up is a supremley average looking girl who will probably win the whole thing and then one who is passionate about god and church. This will get her far. Well played church girl! She should get through so we can see her struggle with her faith when deciding whether to make out with a girl or pose for nude photos! Now all we need to do is find the lesbian atheist one and let the tears start!

Next up a girl who everyone thinks is anorexic and a half-japense girl who I think is HOT HOT HOT. I want her to win right now.

Next up, a girl cries, someone else blah blah blah then a girl who says that her biggest achievement is "not being in jail or pregnant" and she is genuinly frightened of Colin. I totally understand! Look at the fear in her eyes!



Sara basically calls her ugly in beautytalk and I have the feeling that if she gets through she is going to be the one they turn into some kind of swan only to crush when they kick her out halfway through.



Then there is a girl who does pageants and blah blah the judges hate that but see the drama potential involved so it could look good for her?

ELIMINATION TIME! 12 of them are getting bitch slapped by Colin and I am guessing that it will be the ones we did't get extended screentime with. Let's see if I am right.

Well, almost. Pageant girl is given the boot but the rest are all in! Too bad if you were one of the 12 faceless ones whose friends won't even believe them when they say they were in the top 33.

Finally! IT IS TIME FOR A PHOTO! They are at the Embassy and Nigel Barker lookalike introduces some guy who we "will remember from the last cycle when he shot the girls". I wish it ended there but he continues "in a sexy steamy shoot". Drat. They are meant to shoot a hot and sexy photo in which they "exude sexiness". This is kinda gross cos at least half of these girls are 16 years old.

Courtenay, the girl with a passion for fashion and the lord is confused about "whether this goes against my religion". They better keep her on this stuff if gold!

Then the one with a kid is "sexually extraverted" (obviously) and the terrifying one has a "ho hum face", well half of that is right.
MY favourite one is called fat (!) and then one half of the twins looks like this:



New Zealand's next top drag queen.

DECISION TIME!

Colin "God I am creepy" Mathura-Jeffrees says of one of the 16 year olds "if she were chocolate pudding I would eat her with no spoon".

ELIMINATION TIME!

So! In order here are the top 13

DANIELLE



AAFREEN



LARA



JAMIE




COURTENAY



MICHAELA



NELLIE (YES!)



LAUREN



EVA



ELZA



ESTELLE




DAKOTA



AMELIA (HOT!)




BUT WAIT! When it seems that all hope is over and we have just been getting strung along with all this extraneous Holly information Sara reveals THERE IS ONE MORE WHO IS GETTING THROUGH! A 14th! And it is

HOLLY (shocking)




Everyone is happy!

Well except the ones who didn't get in.



Shudder

And that is it! The longest and most pointless review of episode one of the second cycle of NZNTM! I am expecting much excitement in the weeks to come including one of the twins getting a buzz cut then one getting booted, religion getting in the way of sexy shoots, insecurities causing breakdowns, people calling certain other extremely hot people fat and season one models maybe Ruby and Christobelle popping into the "model house" for a bit of a one on one chat.

That was exhausting!