THE MAKEOVER EPISODE!

Okay so I can't sleep tonight because I am having some major allergic reaction to something and so I am staying up tonight sneezing wildly and blinking through fat eyelids and trying not to rip my skin off.

The show must go on though and I am pretty excited about THE MAKEOVER EPISODE!

The credits start and we see Sara and co blowing gold glitter at us and the girls in a bunch of bizarre beige tog things. The entire last season I thought the opening credit song lyrics were "filthy models! filthy money! FILTHY MODELS! FILTHY MONEY!!!" and I was so sad when I was informed that I was wrong. :( The same thing happened the other night with that song "dude looks like a lady" which I have been singing as "move it like a lady!" for my entire life. :(

Anyway, we start the show with Holly (BOOOOO!!!) telling us that tonight is Lauren's 17th birthday and this is good because they get cake! And champagne! And grape juice for the little'ins. I see Eva my new favourite. I am officially hitching my wagon to her star- she is my ONE TO WATCH.

OH OH OH guess what happened last week! Me and Toby went to a shoe shop to swap his ill-fitting desert boots for better fitting desert-boots and the shop had these lollipops (Mischief Shoes on Lambton Quay if you are interested) and they were SOOOOO DELICOUS! I took about 15 and the shop girl was so lovely and gave us MORE MORE MORE and then COMPLETELY UNSOLICITED she told me that Colin MOTHER-FUCKING MATHURA-JEFFREE came into the shoe shop the other day and he couldn't keep his ladylike hands off them! She said that for someone so slender he could really put those lollipops away! I was, understandably, pretty excited to hear this and then we discussed our top picks for the show- I told her I have fallen in love with Eva and she couldn't remember who that was (granted not the best sign for me and my girl) and she hated the twins! But she liked Lara! Toby stood there awkwardly holding the bag full of desert boots and lollipops and then when we left she yelled out "ENJOY TOP MODEL!" and the entire customer base looked up excitedly, assuming I was one of the top models and then looked at each other confused when they saw I was me. It was a pretty great day.

OKAY MAKEOVER! If they don't buzz cut someone I am going to be pissed.

Holly-they will do something blah whatever I hate her
Eva- "your hair is a shambles!" SHUT UP ABOUT HER SARA OR YOU WILL HAVE ME TO ANSWER TO OKAY!?
Dakota- her hair is some kind of crazy bouff today they will do something or other to fix it?
Nellie- ? they don't say. Just something to make it different to Elza
Elza- BIG MYSTERY
Lara- her hair is naturally red so they are going back TO HER ROOTS. ha.
Amelia- something warm?
Danielle- I have no idea what they are doing with her, they are all speaking in some kind of hairdresser language "less beachy up here and more beachy down there". WHAT DO YOU MEAN MR SERVILLE OF SERVILLES HAIR?
Aafreen- something dramatic and warm? Bits around her face?
Courtney- already has "great hair" just needs something DRAMATIC
Lauren- this is where it gets properly DRAMATIC instead of just aesthetically dramatic-Sara wants to ruin her birthday by cutting off all her hair. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAUREN! ENJOY BEING BALD.

Well, bald is maybe a bit of an overstatement. Just something short. Of course, Lauren is "really attached to my long hair". Sara says that she wants to make her hair short because she thinks she will go further. This is a clue for us maybe. If the end result is boring and like what they already have then maybe Sara doesn't want to waste good Top Model dollars crafting their hair into "beachy down theres" or "BIG MYSTERY HAIR". One of these twins better be fucking bald by the end of this show or I am honestly going to howl into the night- my puffy face cannot take much more of this tension!

Sara lays down the law: "If you refuse to cut your hair I will send you home".

God I love Eva! Colin "I LOVE LOLLIPOPS!" Mathura-Jeffree tells her her hair "looks like a racoon's bum". She is all "yeah...I had it all blonde then when I went to dye it back brown I ran out of hair dye". She is my kind of lady- all low maintenance and called Eva. I like the name Eva.

Blah blah suddenly on the kind of whim that only whims when it is someone else's happiness and self-image you are playing with Sara decides to cut Courtney's hair "Twiggy short" and Courtney is all "gulp!"

This is the makeover so far with my picks for boring hair/not sticking around much longer correlation: BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER: correlation does not equal causation! I learnt that in a psychology lab once.



I fear for my Eva! Her hair is almost not changed! Danielle also who my friend Louise likes. Amelia I don't care for anymore since she made Lauren cry over an oven and Holly can fuck right off.

Now for the BIG hair reveals of the day! What of Elza and Nellie!? Have they given one a huge aff weave and the other one a number one?



Um no. They looks the same as always. This is SUCH a let down. What a wasted opportunity! Stupid Sara busy chopping off crying girl's hair on her birthday and forgetting to fulfill important duties such as giving them both a chance. Why on earth would they keep them both around now? They can't both be in the final two, no one will watch! Well, except the twin's mum and dad I guess but even then! Nellie will go first and it will all come to tears and recriminations. Mark my words!

Okay! So while this was all going on Lauren was doing this:



I'm not sure if you can tell but that is a lot of crying. She HATES her hair. Colin likes that because it gives her passion or something.

Anyway, this is the end result for the short hair, sticking around for a while ladies. Excuse the wild use of the paintbucket/colour explosion in this picture, I got a bit carried away, kind of like the sex and the city trailer predicted I would.



The ad break on this on demand really freaked me out. Here I am, at 3.24am on a Monday morning in my trackpants eating chips and dip drinking hot diet coke from on top of the heater, face barely recognisable through red patches and puffy eyelids furiously working on a paint picture of Lauren and Courtney and people on the ad are about my age and discussing home loans and stuff- what on earth is a floating rate? I am not doing so good at being a real adult right now. My most fervent desire is to have not warm diet coke, own a bulldog, go on some roller coasters and punch Holly in the face. Not discuss floating rates or have anything to do with that creepy horse bank. This is very sobering.

Oh well! Can't do much about that right now, best get back to the job at hand: bitching about people I don't know on the internet

They get some SARA MAIL and they are going to do a catwalk show!

They look a lot like airline hostesses or whatever they are meant to be called, cabin crews? airline attendants? eh
whatever they are called Holly looks like she belongs at the budget airline for sure



Poor Danielle stumbles all over the place and walks like I do in heels: like a awkward stiff old lady. I feel bad for her and also there was glitter on the runway so it was a bit more slippery.

I guess I was right about that airline thing because for some reason they now have to go next door to "a party hosted by pacific blue" to talk shit with the fashion who's who. GOOD LUCK DANIELLE! DON'T TALK ABOUT JAIL! DAKOTA- DON'T THREATEN MURDER!

Dakota thinks that the people are "all hired actors". Sadly they are not. She soon realises this and goes about impressing the bigwigs by screaming "Oh i wish I wore a bra! Oh how did I let that slip I am SOOO sorry about that!" at the designer and popping up behind people and yelling "GIDDAY!" and demanding business cards from every person including the poor girl serving peking duck from a giant serving platter.


The Many and Varied Faces of Insanity: Dakota meets Pacific Blue

Over on the other side of the room Nellie and Elza try their best to come across as sophisticated ladies and have this conversation taken word-for-word with a fancy pacific blue group "Yeah, we actually have a pet cat at home who is both male and female. She's quite screwed in the head but that makes her who she is...(wise nod) yeah".

Meanwhile, Danielle decided to take off her shoes and wanders around barefoot mingling with peking duck eating head honchos while Lauren takes wild guesses about where different people from the PACIFIC BLUE SOIREE worked "Oh I think I have already met you...Pacific blue, right?"
Guy: "Yes" silently wondering how on earth this fits his job description and regretting long lost opportunities for a career in medicine or as a broadcast journalist.

Dakota is continuing to assail the senses of anyone who has the misfortune of meeting her and ACTUALLY does that awful crotch jutting pump thing that terrible people do sometimes: in front of ACTUAL PEOPLE AT A FANCY BUSINESS LUNCHEON



For once I totally agree with Holly's disdainful glare. Dakota is disgusting and also a total brat. Danielle, of all people, tells Dakota "you've gotta know when to tone it down, ay bro" and then tells us in a to camera interview "SHAME!".

Some lady from covergirl tells us that some of the girls don't realise that they are dealing with corporate clients and then Dakota rocks on up and promptly performs some kind of zombie dance move right at this poor helpless woman. Note the awkward smile.



Not only that but she moves through the crowd to impress more potential clients and regales them with the immortal story of her name "It was Dakota or China. HAHA imagine if I had been called China! At school all the kids would have been like "CHINA THE VAGINA" ha ha ha ha".

Awkward silence

Cut directly to Colin who proclaims it "an extraordinary evening!"
He tells Dakota she is an abject failure (that's the gist of it), berates Holly and Danielle for being joined at the hip, tells Elza and Nellie that people love them (that hermaphroditic cat must be some kind of people magnet) and promptly proclaims Lauren to be the winner. Everyone goes "awwww" in a "why not me!kind of way" and Lauren is joyfully shocked!



Holly is not. Holly is as Holly always is.


"Super bummed"

Courtney is cute though "I was so happy when Lauren won because she is so sweet and innocent and I think she deserves it. I was happy". Aww, she is nice! She is happy for someone else's achievement! Good for you Courtney, Dakota and Holly could do to take a leaf out of her book.

They have to do a beauty shoot for jewellery and it also stars a budgie? Kind of a weird shoot and not very exciting. Not like in ANTM when they had to have photos in a tank or seven deadly sins shoots. Birds=not so exciting.

So to make the shoot more exciting they decide to partake in some emotional torture and only let Nellie and Elza do the shoot wearing the same dress so they can decide which one they want to keep- one of them, I can't tell since they are insisting on maintaining this identical thing, starts crying while getting her makeup done and really, its not very fair. Stupid Sara and her mind games.

Poor Elza starts hyperventilating with upset and Nellie is all stressed because she can't stop worrying about her! They are so cute! They make me want a twin so bad. Elza is all freaking out imagining a future where Nellie is the only one in work and Elza is some kind of jobless drifter seething with jealousy for her twin and simultaneously feeling guilty and not wanting to be jealous because they are best friends!

Anyway, she gets over it after a heart to heart with Nellie in the car park where they proclaim their mutual love and it really is making me jealous now. WHY CAN'T I HAVE A TWIN SISTER!? WHY NOT!??! THIS SUCKS

Dakota hates the bird. She "wants to attack it and bite it". I think she might have serious problems and could genuinely be a danger to this poor animal.

ELIMINATION TIME

Sara has a TERRIBLE cold. She sounds like an 80 year old smoker. Oh apparently its laryngitis. Colin "thought it was some european designer" lol lol lol.

The consensus is:
Elza- good!
Nellie- great!
Dakota- crazy!
Courtney- not used to her new do
Holly- glum looking- BOTTOM TWO PREDICTION
Lara- looks like a child
Eva- my dream girl

look how great she looks!



SHE IS HOT HOT HOT!

Amelia- too many of the same look
Lauren- used to be "a crashing bore" now is AMAZING
Aafreen- underwhelming and complains about the bird nibbling on her thumb: ELIMINATION PREDICTION
Danielle- exceptional


ELIMINATION TIME:
BOTTOM TWO: Aafreen and Holly! If you would cast your mind back you will note that these two both only had minor hair changes thus adding support to the makeoever prediction theory!



"And the name I am going to call, and still in the running to be New Zealand's next top model is....Holly.

PREDICTION WIN FOR ME!
MODELLING DREAM LOSS FOR AAFREEN

Blah blah tears etc

NEXT WEEK: "A surprise guest turns up the heat!"

And its Daniel Carter. My girl Eva thinks he's "SO HANDSOME" and smiles giddily.

We are promised that the competition will get too much for some and Colin proclaims something to be "an epic fail"



I don't think he is self-aware enough to be discussing his facial hair though.

And that is a wrap for the fourth episode of NZNTM! My facial swelling has gone down and I can clearly see through my eyelids so all in all I think this was a success!

Until next week ladies!

I MISS YOU SEAN!