Like lambs to the slaughter: Episode One 19 spirits are crushed and Colin still looks like an emu

Okay, so I have to say, first off, that I am pretty bitter about the first "cycle" of NZ's next top model. I wanted Ruby to win and when she was EVICTED I was pretty mad. BUT! I am willing to give SaraBanks another chance to entertain and thrill me while watching other people's dreams crumble before me. So it is with a strong anticipation of much future schadenfreude that I begin this journey into more broken hearts and crushed spirits. ON WITH THE SHOW!

I don't know if I am wrong about this but I was expecting one of those awesome American Idol type montage first shows where we see really tragic girls desperately vying for the attention of the judges and they make them do hilarious things and we can all laugh heartily in the knowledge that we aren't stupid enough to audition for anything/reach for the stars. But instead we get straight into it! First a recap about last "cycle"- all this does is make me long nostalgically for that time when Laura ate a chili and wouldn't stop talking about it for week and when Hosanna embarrassed herself in front of MR NIGEL BARKER, FAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHER.

But! SaraBanks promises us that we will soon get to know many MANY more vulnerable young girls to mock and so I turn up the volume and settle down in my trackpants for a good 45 mins of voyeuristic bitching.

We get a montage of SaraBanks calling the girls who will be the top 33 and they all seem very surprised to have made it. I would have thought the camera crew filming them taking the phone call might have been a giveaway but then again last cycle Hosanna didn't know what an eggplant was.

ANYWAY, the point is that they are going to Wellington! They are all suitably impressed by how beautiful they are as a collective and they stroll glamourously down the waterfront and soon they are "SOOOOOO EXCITED" to be at their hotel! You would think they had never seen a room with two beds in it before but you know how it is, you HAVE to have the screaming or else we won't know that it is exciting!

"Oh my god! A bed!"
"Oh my god! A lift!"



"Oh my god! Curtains!"

Nellie says "I was so suprised because I thought we would be staying at a backpackers, cos its cheaper".

It turns out that Nellie is some kind of genius because now they are off to the first challenge, it is on the waterfront and she says "This morning's challenge was quite nervous because we saw lifeguards and I thought, oh no, I can't swim!". This makes me think Nellie has no idea what shitty reality show she is on and perhaps is under the impression she is trying to get into the top 20 finalists for "New Zealand's next top backpacking and open-water swimming star" or something much wittier, imagine for yourself an alternate title. I have a feeling Nellie will be staying on in the prime position of resident moron. She might even be top model savvy and be actively carving out a niche for herself in the now vacated Hosanna role.

Anyway, Colin "You terrify me" Mathura-Jeffree is haunting the waterfront and apparently what he doesn't know about catwalk isn't worth knowing.



I would venture there are quite of lot of things Colin knows that aren't worth knowing.

So anyway there is some man in a skirt and high heels slinking all over the water whirler and now, here's a big surprise, they are going to have to walk too! OH MY GAWWWD.

Colin is some kind of sassy/tragic/desperate imitation of Miss Jay and says semi mean things like "You might as well fall in the water, you would look better than the way you are walking" and "You look psychotic and you have a zombie face".

Predictably the majority suck. They are "a hot mess" according to Colin. Well, he would know I guess.

The next day they go to somewhere to do a range of odd activities. Some throw knives, others shoot things and some get driven around in fast cars. I am guessing there must be a reason behind this but Nellie doesn't know "All I was doing was squealing!".

It is very McCleod's daughters and THEN Sarabanks arrives via helicopter! They are really excited and I still don't know why. I understand models getting all excited about Tyra but come on, Sara? Anyway, she gives them bit of a depressing speech about how some of them will suck big time and then she helicopters off again leaving the girls to continue throwing knives at logs and squealing.

Hang on, suddenly they are back at the hotel? What on earth was the point of this outback adventure shit?

Oh! They are doing the interview bit! They are all ready to ask insightful and probing questions about these girls and a)make them cry, b) make them eat chilis or c) prove that they are one of the stock Top Model characters of which there are only a few variations.
So we begin with : The Mother.
This is Holly. She has a two year old. She is a natural at the catwalk. She is an early favourite so will probably be good for a few weeks then suddenly suck which they will attribute to her being a mother who is away from her baby. She will get in. She also says that watching others fail makes her feel good and she is ruthless and not here to make friends. I like that in a girl.

Next we have TWINS
Nellie and Elza. They are brought in together because apparently they count as one person? Nellie says "I have done some shows, of course". Yeah, I have done some shows too, obviously. Haven't we all? They ask them what will happen if one of them gets told they suck before the other and they are all "oh we only want to be here if we are together". Which is good for the drama because there is no way they are both getting through to the final 4 or whatever. They can replace last cycles Olivia and the other one who were sisters and were constantly being compared to each other until it ruined their self esteem.

Next we have a girl with dreads who sings with her acoustic guitar and a girl from Bombay about whom Colin remarks "I thought I was the hottest curry in the land!?" and Sara says "Oh ho! Not anymore!.

BUT! There is one girl who frightens me more than Colin "Rogan Josh" Mathura-Jeffrees and her name is Emily. She is 16 and, I quote "works at Spookers as an actress. I get to dress in a catsuit and wear extravagent make-up and have my way with 6 people in a dark room". She then goes on to explain how she often racks her long fingernails up people's backs and has had customers try to commit suicide by leaping out of second floor windows to escape her horrifying ways. The odd thing is that she looks like a meek 12 year old.

I can't stop looking at this photo and I feel like if I say her name three times in the mirror she will appear and claw my eyes out.



She will get through to the next stage . This show loves disturbing me more than is necessary.

I have been trawling the "Spookers" website trying to hunt down a photo of her because I get the strong feeling that she is a lunatic and I couldn't identify her but I found this gorgeous shot of what COULD be her and which I am very hopeful will be her "look" throughout the competition


Then things take a turn for the serious when one girl, Dakota, tells the panel that she was considering "adult entertainment" before she got the top model call and she "knows that sounds real slutty and stuff but I am not a slutty person". Then Sara basically tells her she is in the top 13 "we are here to give you another option!". Well, I can't really complain about that, I would rather Dakota avoid pornography and send Emily back to the creep shop.

Next up is Jamie, from Rotorua. She "loves her body and loves showing it off" and Sara "loves that!". I am guessing that Colin probably does not love that. Jamie says that she should win because she is "the best looking girl here! FUCK I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT!". She should get through, everyone loves an arrogant hottie. Plus, since she is so confident now we just have to wait a few weeks until someone calls her fat or says she looks like a dude and then they can kick her out for "losing that spark".

Next up is a supremley average looking girl who will probably win the whole thing and then one who is passionate about god and church. This will get her far. Well played church girl! She should get through so we can see her struggle with her faith when deciding whether to make out with a girl or pose for nude photos! Now all we need to do is find the lesbian atheist one and let the tears start!

Next up a girl who everyone thinks is anorexic and a half-japense girl who I think is HOT HOT HOT. I want her to win right now.

Next up, a girl cries, someone else blah blah blah then a girl who says that her biggest achievement is "not being in jail or pregnant" and she is genuinly frightened of Colin. I totally understand! Look at the fear in her eyes!



Sara basically calls her ugly in beautytalk and I have the feeling that if she gets through she is going to be the one they turn into some kind of swan only to crush when they kick her out halfway through.



Then there is a girl who does pageants and blah blah the judges hate that but see the drama potential involved so it could look good for her?

ELIMINATION TIME! 12 of them are getting bitch slapped by Colin and I am guessing that it will be the ones we did't get extended screentime with. Let's see if I am right.

Well, almost. Pageant girl is given the boot but the rest are all in! Too bad if you were one of the 12 faceless ones whose friends won't even believe them when they say they were in the top 33.

Finally! IT IS TIME FOR A PHOTO! They are at the Embassy and Nigel Barker lookalike introduces some guy who we "will remember from the last cycle when he shot the girls". I wish it ended there but he continues "in a sexy steamy shoot". Drat. They are meant to shoot a hot and sexy photo in which they "exude sexiness". This is kinda gross cos at least half of these girls are 16 years old.

Courtenay, the girl with a passion for fashion and the lord is confused about "whether this goes against my religion". They better keep her on this stuff if gold!

Then the one with a kid is "sexually extraverted" (obviously) and the terrifying one has a "ho hum face", well half of that is right.
MY favourite one is called fat (!) and then one half of the twins looks like this:



New Zealand's next top drag queen.

DECISION TIME!

Colin "God I am creepy" Mathura-Jeffrees says of one of the 16 year olds "if she were chocolate pudding I would eat her with no spoon".

ELIMINATION TIME!

So! In order here are the top 13

DANIELLE



AAFREEN



LARA



JAMIE




COURTENAY



MICHAELA



NELLIE (YES!)



LAUREN



EVA



ELZA



ESTELLE




DAKOTA



AMELIA (HOT!)




BUT WAIT! When it seems that all hope is over and we have just been getting strung along with all this extraneous Holly information Sara reveals THERE IS ONE MORE WHO IS GETTING THROUGH! A 14th! And it is

HOLLY (shocking)




Everyone is happy!

Well except the ones who didn't get in.



Shudder

And that is it! The longest and most pointless review of episode one of the second cycle of NZNTM! I am expecting much excitement in the weeks to come including one of the twins getting a buzz cut then one getting booted, religion getting in the way of sexy shoots, insecurities causing breakdowns, people calling certain other extremely hot people fat and season one models maybe Ruby and Christobelle popping into the "model house" for a bit of a one on one chat.

That was exhausting!