Lara is being all insightful about almost getting kicked out last week "I think I just had a bad day at work" which really annoys me because they all keep saying this and this is something Sara Tetro says EVERY GOD DAMNED WEEK. It's like if all the ANTM's starting being all "And still in the running to become ANTM is me. I am still here". Or something. I don't know, it's late and I smell funny from work. Like oil and tears.
Danielle on the other hand thinks Lara is "definitely a twit...she likes honking her own horn". I enjoy Danielle's manner of speaking, its quite quaint.
Dakota agrees and thinks that Lara is "from a different side of the tracks. She thinks she's got it all but she's got nothing". Big words Dakota! Dakota then shows off her sanity by sexily telling herself in the mirror that she is "pretty and witty and so gonna win this!".
In related news, my friend Louise was at a mall in chch and she saw a big bunch of high school girls trying on high heels at kmart. They were pretending to be in Top Model and doing the runway walk and fighting over who got to be Elza and Nellie. One girl got told she was Dakota and screamed "NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE DAKOTA!". Dakota clearly loses the public vote.
They get some night time Sara mail telling them "To say your prayers time to worship at the alter of fashion". I see this going awry. Courteney looks nervous.
I have something important to say: The "do us a flavour" chips are YUCKY. So gross and I am pretty unhappy about that! I love butter chicken but not in chips.
Anyway, they are at a church and Colin is up being all "welcome! I PRAY YOU ARE READY" etc then he lets the big secret out THEY WILL BE MODELLING IN THEIR UNDIES. Courteney is unhappy because it is a holy place and not really a place for modelling in your underwear. Dakota is all "I thought it was a bit sacrilegious but then I thought NAH WHO CARES!?".
Because Courteney is a professional though she tries to be good and is pleased her bra and underwear "aren't too skanky". Michaela isn't very happy either but Danielle is psyched cos she walks in the street in her bikini- no worries!
Dakota, of all people asks Courteney and Michaela to form a prayer circle so God can bless the runway show. I didn't really peg Dakota as the church type but okay! I guess China the Vagina is "very religious".
Clearly Courteney shares the same feelings I do "Dakota...she is religious,apparently, well she says she is..she doesn't really act very religious though...
Regardless, check out this pervy shot of some 16 and 17 year olds in their underwear.
Dakota gets upset because someone laughs at her while she is wearing her weird 1930s underwear and so she demonstrates empathy and maturity by telling the camera that she could see Lara's "arse jiggle all the way from the black curtain".
Anyway that was about the most exciting thing from this runway show which, although clearly designed to make the religious girls cry only succeeded in Dakota calling Lara names. SHAME TOP MODEL THAT ONE BACK FIRED!
But it is time for the photo shoot- or in this case the music video shoot for Opshop. Nellie/Elza are "Hell yeah boy! It is going to be super cool!".
Jason from Opshop shows up and I recognise him from a Woman's Day article where he explained that he is building an enormous ark to hold him and his friends when the world ends in 2012. He is fucking nuts. Genuinely insane. Dakota will probably find him to be a kindred spirit.
They are told that three of them will be chosen to perform in a pool and then the winner gets a singlet dress. They all go crazy at the thought of a singlet dress.
They get to dance around "contemporarily" while Jason takes a break from building his ark to lip sync his song in a leather jacket.
Lara is all "Ivan (the director) told me I had exactly the look he was going for with my porcelain skin and my piercing eyes". Jeeeez.
Dakota again waxes lyrical about how gross she thinks Lara and her thighs are then proceeds to thrash around on the floor "like a stripper". Her words, not mine.
The three lucky ladies who get to splash around in the pool are: Elza, Lara and Danielle and Nellie gets to come along for the ride as Elza's "double". If I had a twin I would convince them to become a famous actress then I would be their double all the time. No effort and I could make money off them for the rest of my life.
Left standing around in their floaty dresses are the prayer circle
Back at the house Dakota says "Maybe they just wanted fat-arse girls in the video. I am talking about Lara in particular" and Courteney and Michaela are all "Don't say that that's horrible". They are sweet girls. I like them a lot. I wish they were my friends, but I would probably be too mean for them. Which makes me sad.
Anyway, Dakota and Michaela have a fight about Dakota being a mean-spirited harpy and Dakota blames it on being kicked out of the house at 14. Michaela says she will punch Dakota in the mouth soon if she doesn't watch it. THIS IS GOOD STUFF! Michaela is all "You are such a dick!
"You are immature and no one likes you!". Dakota is all "Don't hold back! Punch me it will make you feel better!". Courteney tells us that if it came down to a fight she has no doubt that Dakota will claw out Michaela's eyes and scratch her to death. I think she is right about that, Dakota would be a scrappy fighter for sure plus she would hit below the belt.
Look at Courteney she is so lovely and I think she is probably the nicest person to have ever been on TV. If she was my child I would buy her a nice present for being so sweet. If Dakota was my child I would buy her a gag to shut her up. And I would buy Michaela knuckle dusters to take out Dakota with.
Meanwhile over at the pool Lara is dubbed "a supermodel already". Elza and Danielle are also told they are lovely mermaids of the deep. We are treated to the music video and Jason screams into the camera while plainly thinking of Armageddon, a mere two years from now. I guess the most pertinent question for us is WHO WILL BE ON MTV/IN CATALOGUES FOR FARMERS WHEN THE WORLD ENDS??
Back at top model house Sara mail arrives. Courteney thinks the mail means that they will have to "advertise cars in a skanky outfit and wear nasty hotpants like a big skank". She really hates skanks.
They head off to their photo shoot and it is at railway station and suddenly a giant flame thing bursts in front of them and in the words of Elza "my pants were almost absolutely soaked".
Sara is there and Dakota looks SEXY
Sara is all "This special occasion requires a very special photographer". Everyone hopes for Nigel Barker but its just lookalike Chris Sisarich.
He is all "here Lara you won the singlet" and she is all "YAY take that Dakota!". Well that's what she should have said anyway. They are indeed doing a shoot about cars "think fur and fire, think Ford Fiestas!" enthuses Chris.
I am not entirely convinced by the styling
Michaela cries because she doesn't think she did well (bottom two?)and Elza suddenly has some kind of breakdown and is all purple and crying? An ambulance comes? Danielle thinks "she just needs to pick up her balls and get on with it" HA.
Nellie is "flat" and Lara is "wide". Nellie= bottom two too? Dakota looks ridiculous but somehow takes great shots. If Nellie and Elza were dogs they would be these kind of dogs
This is not an insult. These are luxurious dogs!
Anyway it is now JUDGEMENT TIME!
Guess what! Tomorrow (NZTM time) they will fly to Phuket! But ONE of them won't be going! Oh no! How cruel. Nellie or Michaela don't smile too soon!
Dakota:
Danielle:
Michaela: Cries and talks about her "breakdown" about not being picked for the music video.
"looks like you have farted and are trying to walk about away from it". Thanks Colin!You really know how to make a crying girl feel better!
Lara:
Courteney:
Nellie: The judges call her out on being tired and flat. Elza calls out "I'm sorry Nellie! I ruined her photo shoot!" It is all very dramatic, teary and tragic.
Elza: Cries and sobs and I feel so bad for her! It is kind of like the time I did this in front of one of my lecturers about a late essay- all hiccuping and unable to breathe and making it worse every second. I feel so bad for her! Poor Elza. Poor Nellie.
And the bottom two are....
Nellie and Dakota!
Nellie= good at runway but bad at shoot.
Dakota= bad at runway good at shoot! But she is "an accidental model. Things go well and you don't know why...and I don't know if you are learning"
And still in the running is...
DAKOTA
Elza=
This is so tragic. It's kind of like in the Deathly Hallows when (SPOILER) Fred dies. How can one twin go on without the other?
Nellie asks Dakota to "look after Elza"
Sara is all "I believe you are complete people on your own" and neither really looks convinced. Nellie says they think it will help them become adults and learn to be without each other.
But next week! They are in Phuket! Elza is not dealing well without Nellie "it's like taking a mother away from her baby" and Dakota tells Michaela "I think you are the most self-centered bitch".
Good times await!
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